Strangers becomes...

My life is defined by the people I meet along the way. I've had many random acquaintances, I have many friends but only a handful whom I consider great friends.
I've never been one who has had a strong bond with family, though I love them dearly I haven't had that connection with any of them and it's been like that since I was a child. I've always been the wanderer, moving from one place to the next. So them being far away I make it up with friends.

I have decided this journal will now be dedicated to those people I admire and all things I oddly love that comes across my way.

Last Thursday whilst waiting for a friend by Shoreditch High Street station I heard a busker playing amazingly well on his guitar so I was drawn towards the bridge where the sound echoed from and so as I peered around the corner I spotted where he was. So I decided to approach him and have a chat. His name was Miguel, from Spain and a philosophy uni dropout he said "I didn't like it, I wasn't feeling the whole thing. So here I am."

My friend was half an hour late so he didn't mind me keeping him company in the cold. I danced and tapped my feet a little and he earns a decent wage from busking saying he makes on average £40-50 a day and on good days £80! "Well you deserve it you are pretty good." I complimented. Anyway we swapped details so who knows where this stranger will take me.

My friend arrived and then this happened! haha

"Beam me up, Scotty." 

We finally headed for a quick meal and went to Hacketts opening event where they were doing hankerchief embroidery and guess what the lady there and then was doing...

Reminded me of a certain someone.
Also the other day I went to visit a friend and a very friendly cat followed me all the way down her road and we spotted a button!



A Heart of Stone

Ahh I've often thought what life really is all about.

These days I seek true hapiness... I think.

I am actually happy in general and for that I am grateful but my problem is wanting more. A wanting more is like a decease, a human condition that we all have, the desire of more. There always seems to be a void that we want to fill or fix. Sometimes I don't want materialistic things, sometimes I don't even want clothes to cover me I would give it all up for true freedom. I often don't want to work as I feel I do it for all the wrong reasons and I do so to fill that void as everything comes at a price, even a smile comes at a price.

Anyway true love is my current void. The need is ever more present these days as things have been reminding me of my past love and the joys one can bring. I have finally sent my letter and poem to show my appreciation to the man I onced loved and for all the things he has given me. I wonder what he'll say!

A HEART OF STONE

I was once soulless

No sign of sorrow, remorse or joy

I prided myself with a mind so stubborn

With my head I concurred all

Then love met me

It rode my ups and downs

The best or the worst

It's the biggest lesson learnt

For my ever patient tutor

To this day I thank thee

I gained romance, passion,

desire and affection

You drummed the sweetest beats of all

And my pulse grew ever louder

In awe of its presence

We learnt, lived and danced its ways

Made me soft, weak, tender

But as with all things it comes to an end

A lesson learnt dear

To have loved and be broken

beats the burden of a heart of stone

But I fear the stone has come back with a vengeance and has grown more stubborn! 

Also I saw this as I contemplated about life further and my head thought about everything it has to offer and the integrity of man in general and I questioned mine.

Fall of Man by Michelangelo

An old lady runs
knees creaking
hurting
breathless
yet she misses her bus
not that the bus driver did not see her
he rather not wait
watch her face fall
disappointed
thump
her heart falls
colliding with her stomach
a couple argue in the bus
playing tug-of-war with their hearts
until hearts tear, ripped out
destroyed, first one and then the other
nobody weeps but the starving children
sitting on the street
and you stand
watching
Caught between the chasm
between pleasure and boundless pain
Restless, dissatisfied
Guiltily pleased
Relentlessly saddened
as life throws one thing after another
you feel like drowning
Sympathy, helplessness
anger, a vapour that seeps through your skin
evaporating
infecting
you absorb
their pain, and emit yours.
You feel it deeply
and then let it roam free
like a lion
it roams around you
Shadows surround you.
Lights off.
You hit the switch.
Click.
Questions burnt
An emptiness rings a loud ring
echoing
in your head.
Is the sun rising or setting? You ask
There, where?
Is that the full moon or the setting sun?
Or an owl
lost.
Coo.
Lost, you are.
In a whirl of messy thoughts.
Poor posture
it all floats
not making sense
the television offers cheap entertainment
and cheap sounding jingles
you buy distraction
Hell.
The self wraps itself around the eyes.
Hugs your body tight.
Tight.
and then you take petty joy in suffering
like only a hurting vengeful soul would
love
adoration
loyalty
justice
all good things
become only words that float around you
What have you lost,
what have you gained?
What values do you hold,
which ones remained?
Look at pain
and smile
nonchalantly
you take joy
in another’s pain.
Living not for God,
unsure.
It ain’t the devil you were worshipping either.
Who knows.
Yourself.
Living for the self.
Self.
You try everything
use everyone
Exhaust all resources and then
you are left with nothing.
Nothing.
You smile your way through the day
by the end your smile stays plastered
yet
all you really did was lie
you joined the crowds
call the wolf bad
then your sheep clothing peels off
and you hide
Deny, deny, deny
denial becomes your expertise
then you lie through your teeth
whistle in the storm
The day ended
and you felt like you ended too.
die with a laugh plastered all over your mouth
perhaps today you reached hell
and realised
hell was not being covered waist high in pig waste
or being deep fried like a human wonton
You call out
and the echo it stabs you in the back
you see only blinding darkness
that is thicker than your winter jacket
you hang, in suspension
being neither at the top
nor touching the bottom
kicking and screaming
tired.
With
no perspective
no aims
no sense
no love
no hope
no dreams
no hate
no sadness
no feelings
no life, no death
no soul
nothing.
That is hell.
You look to your left.
To your right.
And there before you
in the chasm
hangs
one choice
one whisper
one shout
illumination
freedom
living might be what you had wanted all along.
You surrender
one yielding heart.
You start again.
living
Life.

(http://writersclubkl.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/thefallingman/)

Awake awake my love

Ohh he's waking up so to speak! I can feel it... :)
Must tell F**** that I no longer feel the need to shake him or slap him! Haha

Okay this weekend has been full of love and wonderment! Just spent the night at my friends with her lovely two kids. The love that emits in that house is strong they just needed to realise it.

Just a quick note to say I spoke to P*** earlier and after I got off the bus, literally as the doors open and I stepped out I spotted right infront of me a white button, I texted
"Haha well as I stepped out off the bus I was greeted by a white button! Happy days. :)"
in which he replied ":) I need to give you your gloves."
and weirdly enough on the same road I found two more buttons just moments apart! I suppressed myself from telling him because he might think I was being too far fetched. I didn't like having to hold back some truth from him but those white lies are good, I didn't want to overwhelm him yet.
And when he told me he needs to give my gloves, just moments after I found 2 gloves on Spencer Park!! that is amazing!! :)
I then followed his reply with...
"Ah yes. Well whenever you're free to meet. :)"
and added "Or send them!"
But he suggested and asked "Maybe in a couple of weeks if you're free? Have you still got any buttons for me?"
"Ah yes I have lots!! And also more but I'm still wondering whether I should also give you the ones I've been collecting for myself though. Hmm I'll think about it..."
"Couple of weeks I've nothing planned yet so yeah we'll see closer to the time."
He replied "Well I'll be very grateful for any you give me :) ok maybe next thursday lunchtime?"
"Okay I'll pencil you in on my diary! Haha ;)"

JP tried to ring me today but I missed it and so I got a text that said...
"Yes I'm happy to be friends :)"

I felt so happy! I wanted to call straight away but was feeling apprehensive of the thought, in a good way. He was making me feel nervous with butterflies. Anyway I did but got no answer so I texted back...
"Yay :) that's cool."

This sings out to me from P***. I do love him so. I don't know if I should be persistant with my feelings?? I get this sense that I understand him so much and I've said this all along to myself that I will be there when he is ready.
I've come to a weird conclusion that I should contact this Peter Green...

Why it all makes sense...

 

I Never Knew:

I was only 18

Still wet behind the ears

Still naked to the ways of Adam’s land

When from the gates of heaven

With beauty in your eyes

You came to turn this boy into a man

It started with a friendship

That blossomed with the trees

And ended in a kiss behind closed doors

Until the night it happened

On my brother’s kitchen floor

You smiled and said ‘I’ll be forever yours’

You taught me I should lift the seat

To comb my hair and wipe my feet

To rinse around the bath when I was done

To pick my dirty socks up

Clean the dishes in the sink

Who knew domestic life could be such fun?

But I never knew the day would come

When you’d disappear just like the setting sun

I never knew there’d come a day

When you’d turn your back on me and walk away

We lived in different cities

But all young lovers know

That distance really does not mean a thing

Come summertime or winter

The sun would always shine

The flowers always grew and birds would sing

We savoured every hour

And cherished every night

Sleeping face to face and hand in hand

And I guess it’s fair to say

That you soon had your wicked way

And turned this little boy into a man

You taught me how to tidy

Load the old washing machine

Hang clothes upon the airer there to dry

The grandest transformation

That the world had ever seen

Enough to make a fully grown man cry

We toured the world together

Mozambique out to Japan

Learning local greetings as we went

We settled in an ashram on the coast of Koh Pangan

Even gave up intercourse for lent

We flew back into London

For the wedding of a friend

And thought we’d stick around a year or two

But golly gosh it soon was clear

That our feelings had turned queer

Ah you detested me I hated you

And you taught me how to curse and spit and growl for England

Taught me how to be a scally and a bum

‘Til I fell prey to the bottle

Where I tried to drown my sorrows

In a lethal mix of whisky, coke and rum

‘Cos I never knew the day would come

When you’d disappear just like the setting sun

I never knew there’d come a day

When you’d turn your back on me and walk away

___________________________________________________

 

The cause of heart ache that he has endured.

Realisation

Just to say I woke up this morning, started thinking about the whole thing with JP and I had this sudden profound realisation that I knew and understood what my purpose was and it made me joyous and even fought back a tear. I was nervous about it.

Oh my gosh hahahahaaaaa
My mum just came in from work and my dad then mentioned no one won the euro millions again so its a roll over and he said he only had one number. Instantly that caught my ear and I asked which number and he said 33!!!!!!!

Anyway he then continued to say that the lucky numbers were 6 & 9 without me asking. And as I've just typed that I see ying and yang.

Closure or Chapter 2?!

Well I finally told him my feelings. After a long email from both us opening up I now have profound affection and compassion towards this man, I am sooo glad I have approached him in such a way.

Now in terms of curing my limerence, maybe yes his answer by having said "I have no feelings for you in a romantic way. And I know I never will." perhaps cured that a litlle but everything now has shifted to the level of compassionate/spiritual love.

But am I mad in thinking that I feel a strong possibility that we are each others love/soul mate etc or I feel I'm there to enlighten him and that I shouldn't give up. I'm just wondering what level of awareness is he experiencing!?! Are these mad thoughts the symptom of limerence??

It is so hard to decipher my feelings towards him or just my state of emotions because I am highly aware of things conciously but also a high unconcious level is also giving me signs that I don't fully understand yet!
The past year and a half I have gone through some sort of spiritual development both intentionally and unintetionally, I know I've always concidered myself to be more self-aware than most but this is another entity.

Perhaps I've been over analising all the signs such as the number 3. I really don't know what its saying but it has strongly been present in a lot of things for the past year (i'm not going to go into all of the signs- but some have been very strong) and that JP is also 33 years old is another weird coincidence.
Anyway...
Oh my gosh hahaa.Well :) I've just had a very funny coincidence with the number 3 again juussst now right this minute!! hahaa now I'm just finding this funny. I'm not even kidding...
Okay so first let me say whats been happening whislt I was writting my reply to JP earlier this afternoon I wanted to listen to some music on youtube and couldn't decide what I was feeling musically then I remembered being told to listen to Jeff Buckley so I searched him and I was instantly attracted to his cover of Hallelujah which was beautiful. Listened to that and was drawn to the recomemded videos I had on the side which were Love Lost (reminded me of my blog, which is also the title he'd have for the exhibit of his buttons!),  Last Goodbye (possibly this closure? My friend used those exact words to ask my thoughts about this current sitution and I said "I'm not sure depends on his reply") & Grace (my second name). All of which had a strange link to what I was doing at the time.
Anyway the next song I listened to was The Temper Trap- Love Lost...




This song says my feelings I want to say to him, It is beautiful and precise. And I've never come across this song before now and to have at this moment is very coincidentally strange, I love how things falls into place and I take them all as signs. Now just going back to the weird sign I experienced just a moment ago. I wanted to know the lyrics to this song so I went onto one site and on the page an advert on the side flashed the number three right infront of me and this was right after I was just typing how weird I've had the number 3 as signs!! And as I read the lyrics it gave me slight chills.

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
Our love was lost
And hope was gone

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
And if you flash your heart
I won't deny it
I promise

I promise

Your walls are up
Too cold to touch it
Your walls are up
Too high to climb

I know it's hard
But I can still hear it beating
So if you flash your heart
I won't mistreat it
I promise

I promise

Our love was lost
In the rubble are all the things
That you've, you've been dreaming of
Keep me in mind
When you're ready
I am here
To take you every time

Oh, our love was lost
Lost, lost, lost, lost
Our love was lost
But now it's found

Confessions

Date: Thu, 27 Sep 2012 14:49:24 -0700
From: me
Subject: Hey...
To: jp

How are you? I hope you've been keeping well.

This may come as a surprise to you. I hope it is a nice one, my intentions with it are. :)

First I must apologise for my last text message to you, it was a little harsh but a true reaction none the less. I was pretty annoyed at the time and having had a long week I was more edgy than usual and truly was just looking forward to seeing and cuddling you that evening.
I don't know what it is that you have over me or what I have for you that I get but something is definitely there. I am in limerence over you and I don't really know what it entails but I know life is too short to live with unspoken words. So here is my confession.

I know this is delayed because of my fears, like most of us those are the fear of my ego being shattered by rejection and the thought of being mocked was too daunting so instead of facing those and learning how to deal with them I've dwelled on those fears and negative thoughts but nothing good has come out of it so here is a change of heart and perspective. Well I'm at least overcoming those just by forwarding you this letter so I hope you take it with compassion. I much prefer to be straight than knowing I have treated a fellow man with wasted doubt and energy for no reason. And upon reflection it isn’t nice to live and treat others that way anyway. I know this will be a lot to comprehend so I don't expect to get a reply too soon, so feel free to take your time but I would really appreciate one.

There are a lot of things I want to say, about me, my thoughts, my feelings and understanding about you. And I truly say these words honestly and sincerely so please heed them well. I want to mention first a couple of things that have upset me in the past or what I find frustrating from this whole situation.
So after just over a year of knowing little about you the main thing that does irate me is your lack of awareness in certain situations or mainly the way you act evasive to things that are said and done and you become all weird, perhaps those are just down to your shyness and your way of dealing with things but it isn't a nice way to treat someone or a good way to go about things. We all come across situations that might be a little uncomfortable but the worse thing to do is be ignorant about it, it becomes unresolved and in my case with you it leads to more distrust. I don't appreciate being misled intentionally if you have ever done that as I felt at times with the things you have said they don’t add up and I've learnt not to trust so easily from my past experience with something similar but I don’t know your side of things that makes you act that way so I know not to judge or assume so easily either.
I am also guilty with certain things when I think about it as I can see how those acts of mine may have come across to you. And I regret having done them wrongly and not making my intentions clear. Hopefully I can make them so in this letter. I try not to be too judgemental and jump to conclusions but there are many things that led me to think you are not that truthful so that’s why I haven’t been completely open to you and from that came my suspicions of your honesty and intent. That is also why I have only let you in on a very small part of me which frustrates me because I want to know you more than what we have of just having this strong sexual chemistry and use each other for it. Maybe these are also what you’re feeling and thinking!? It would be nice to hear from you and your side of things after this as I know there is much more to you and inside that head of yours. And I sense something far more meaningful from you too but I’m seriously the worse person to be hinting to as I can never read things unless spelt out! In a way I can be a little oblivious when it comes to that, like its some sort of defence mechanism.
I am very open and I try to be aware to things and I’ve been told that one of my good traits is being able to understand and I’m not here to boast honestly ;) so please what ever it is you’ve been trying to tell me or what you want to say now I’m open and accepting to them, I don't want us to have any ill feelings and misunderstanding. I hate to leave things on a bad note. Who knows we may even have a lot in common!

A few things you need to know about me that you might have misread wrongly. One and foremost, I never made it clear to you that the relationship I once told you I had ended before we slept together. In fact that was a good 2/3 months before us happened. So I hope you don’t think I’m that sort of person to cheat on somebody. I really liked you to begin with but I was aware my relationship then was unstable so I questioned whether my feelings towards you were true or just merely me reciprocating to my emotional need for any given attention by someone else.
Then you started sending or saying nice things to me such as the lovely poems and compliments and little other things you've done which I never thought anything much from to begin with as I said I don’t like to jump into conclusions nor am I good at reading signs of affection. After mentioning these to a couple of friends they tell me that those were clearly signs that you liked me. Well the idea passed my mind but then I thought you can’t have as you would have said it to me straight and in my face right? I was also told that not everyone is good with their approach so then with that in mind I started to think back to all of those things that I was oblivious to and questioned whether you truly meant them. But on the other hand what didn't help was that you were quite cold and lacked chivalry at times so from that I felt you didn’t care and the rest didn't mean a thing. I don’t know, my whole understanding may be completely wrong here. That’s why I’m asking you these things to hear your side as it shows I care and it matters to me. I do really like you, I have never said it because of all of the uncertainty mentioned above. I’m not good with receiving compliments as you know so I instantly doubt them and brush them away which don’t help in situations when the giving end might have trouble in saying them and my reaction may have come across cold even though my true feelings are far from that.

So if those hints were true then I’m sorry for having no clue. I also know it is partly my fault by having trust issues, as I had experienced a fair bit of dishonesty during that period I was naturally guarded from it all. I just hope you are being/can be straight with me. I don’t know what you’ve experience in your life in matters of the heart but we all need and want to be loved and I have a lot of love to give that I wouldn’t mind giving some to you…
if you let me and that the feeling is mutual of course. :) If not then please say so and I’m also good with that then I'll move on.

I have one major confession and apology to make, it is that I started by leading you on perhaps in the assumption that we could be together but I wasn't sure myself what I wanted so that created mixed signals which I know didn't help. At some point I decided to only have fun, keeping it on a casual/sexual bond between us until you told me about your celibacy and I felt somewhat responsible for being your temptation and my conscience kicked in. I started to back away, that was my way of respecting your decisions but you became my temptation too. I have never lied to you only that I haven't been straight. But for sure I liked you and still do.

So from my side those nice little things you’ve done, with that you are talented in what you do and have a beautiful voice to listen to and that you are also oddly sweet and sensing a dark side of yours all equates to my attraction towards you. Sounding silly and cringey as I read that back but that is the truth Pete. I like you quite a lot for reasons that are weird and unexplainable. Including things that have been so coincidentally strange but I take them as some sort of signs.

Another thing about me, yes I have a lot of friends including males.
I am the type to socialise and I also like to maintain them but that is all. Again I feel that may have come across as something else and admitedly vice versa I've been suspicious of you. It is actually a rarity for me to develop genuine feelings for anyone.
And yes I do have a high sex drive but it doesn’t mean I sleep around. You are still my last lover and I have enjoyed having that with you but it would be nice to have something beyond that. So I guess these are what I’ve been meaning to say to you for some time now specially on that day/evening when I built my courage to come visit you but you disappointed me by turning me away so naturally I was very annoyed. I don’t know what your real reasons were then but I felt your decision was very rude. May I ask what you really thought was going to happen?

Oh and also just to explain myself in sending you that song Love Love Love, the words were befitting to how I felt about you but what I also meant from it was that because of how you were treating me at the time, the complications and the state of my mind was not clear I couldn't Love specially when I felt you may have had those feelings towards me. That was the hidden message.
So now I'm wondering if we can move on from this feeling of rut, seriously I hate falling out with people it's such a wasted energy so I'd like to start afresh with you. I hope I have made some things clearer at least. And it feels good to have finally said all of these to you.

Now smile because I think I love you.
:) <3

From: JP
To: me
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2012 8:59 AM
Subject: RE: Hey...

Hi J****, I think it is good that you wrote that letter.

First of all I need to say I am sorry. I am nearly always aware of how I act and treat people. Sometimes I know I should be acting one way and I act another. Unfortunately I have behaved badly (unintentionally sometimes) towards girls on and off for the last 4 years ever since I split from my ex. It has not been fair on me or the other people I have dragged into it. I am specifically sorry that on a couple of occasions I arranged to meet you, knowing that you probably liked me and wanted something to happen between us, even though I did not, and that was inconsiderate.

I don't feel like I have been dishonest with you, I don't think I have ever told you things I did not mean, but I could have been more true to myself and this mess could possibly have been avoided.

Around the time I met you I was looking for someone to be with, and that's why I kept in contact with you and arranged to go out with you a couple of times. But I was so messed up I didn't know what was best for me, and that was that I needed to be alone and sort out my own issues.

I do not have any feelings for you in a romantic way. And I know that I never will. I am not sure what to do for the best regarding where we go from here, but I do know that me and my ex have tried to be friends and keep in contact over the past 4 years and it has been destructive for both us, mainly because for so long I still had feelings for her and she did not for me. The greatest favour we did ourselves was to cease all contact, and I think that is probably best for us. I know that seems cold and maybe even selfish but I honestly think that all the time you harbour feelings for me it is for the best for both of us, we would not be able to have a genuine friendship with those feelings bubbling under the surface.

I have had a shit time of things recently and it has all been self inflicted. I know what is best for me now though and that is to keep myself busy with the things I love, God and music. When we do this, everything else falls into place and it will for you too.

I still have those gloves for you, and it seems a waste to throw them in the bin, if you give me your address again I will post them to you ( I deleted all numbers and messages off my phone the other week).

Please know that I am sorry. But I have learnt that it does no good to hanker after someone who does not feel the same way, I wasted a lot of time and energy, and shed a lot of tears over my ex, and it was all for no purpose. So please don't waste any on me. You will find someone who will love you back as much as you love them.

Take care and God bless

P***

From: me
To: JP
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2012 6:48 PM
Subject: Re: Hey...

Hi P***

Thank you for your honest reply and your apology I appreciate it a lot.

I am sorry to learn about your ex and how that has greatly affected you. I could sense you were in a lot of sorrow and it does take a lot to overcome it. Time is a great healer as they say but please don’t prolong it by inflicting more pain.

I also had my share of heartache so I can relate, a relationship I had of 8 and a half years was hard to let go but as I learnt and realised to focus myself towards those who loved me and the things I loved they gave me strength and I got over it which helped a great deal so you are on the right path.
With my ex we knew remaining as friends was not a good idea even though I wanted to so badly because I couldn't see a life without him. We had such a strong bond and after a long history with someone like that it was hard to completely cut them off. Making that harsh decision was the best way we knew we could have moved on, being strong was the challenge. And I think it worked, there were times I'd wish it was all different but thinking it that way was not gonna change anything so instead I am grateful for everything we’ve experienced and I would never change a thing even the very low points in our relationship. Because I learnt a lot from it.

I’ve never actually said that to him perhaps I should do.
Now and again we’d email each other just to say Hi, Happy Christmas or New Year etc which is nice but I also find it odd as our approach to each other now can be very formal considering the intensity we once had in our past. I still very much have respect and care for him and I think that’s a healthy relationship.

I see you have a lot of qualities that are great even more so than a lot of people I know, it would be a shame if you keep shutting yourself from them so do spend your energy emitting that true self of yours, it is the best thing to do and then you can be true to others.

Of course I find it a shame to know you have no romantic feelings for me as I have developed them towards you, I wanted to check if it was mutual so I know how to take it further. And from all of this I hold no resentment towards you I want you to know that.
I still love you in an admirable/affectionate/spiritual way and this is not at all a waste nor pain for me. We have to care for each other in all sorts of ways in this world and those people around us who bears that quality are the gift in someone’s life.

It would be great to receive those gloves; I found three in the past week I think the first time since spring!
My address is…
------------------

------------------

------------------

I also have some buttons I’ve been meaning to send a long time ago I’ll send those over to you. I do still find so many... I guess they are like tokens of affection that you collect and keep. I now understand your title.

Likewise I also know you will find someone who will love you back as much as you love them. Just keep an open heart.

I’ve taken on everything you’ve said and to a certain point I agree, I think its best to not carry on with how we were. But I think its silly if we cut each other out completely, I know nothing from my side will hurt me by being just friends with you but I will be keeping my distance. My experience with you is not the same to your ex nor am I the same person. We are still very much in search of self discovery and that should be our focus. You will understand yourself and how to fit-in in this world and ultimately with others.

I will take care of myself, thank you.
You take care of yourself too and all the best with your music.

J******-G****

x

I am not alone...

For the past week I have spoken to friends that are all caught up in a similar situation as I am so I shared mine further and more in depth to what I've previously been telling them. As we talked and assessed our emotions I started to wonder what this all meant and tried to understand it in a physcological way so then as I researched on love and emotions I came across the term Limerence!

This helped explain everything! So I definitely am going through that.
I've been reading about it a lot and there is definitely different levels of symptoms and different levels at how bad you are in the limerent state.
From my understanding you've to take different factors into account to access how deep the victim has fallen, this greatly depend on the situation the sufferer or the Limerent Object is in and also their mental state in self belief and worth can play a big role in someone being more susceptible. I think with the latter the stronger you are to bear that the better you are at overcoming... maybe, I'm hoping this is the case with me so I can deal with it.

Anyway I'm glad I have gained this knowledge because it has helped me form an understanding/awareness and acceptance. Then hopefully I will find my closure and move on. This is the first time I've ever experienced this emotion that's why I was a little overwhelmed.

From learning about limerence I also notice I think JP is a sufferer?! This is why I'm annoyed and get frustrated with all his hot and cold behaviour and his emotions that are sometimes a little dramatic around me, I never understood these random actions until now that I'm doing comparisons to this so called disorder. So it can only suggest  he is in limerence over me.

Having read some information online, one here is from wiki...
"Fantasies are preferred to virtually any other activity with the exception of activities that are believed to help obtain the limerent object, and activities that involve actually being in the presence of the limerent object. The motivation to attain a "relationship" continues to intensify so long as a proper mix of hope and uncertainty exist."
There are many aspect why I think he is, the most prominant is his hot and cold behaviour towards me. Hot in terms of him arranging a meet up, heavy flirting where we've exchanged sexual arousal and fantasies, making conversations to get my attention for example he'd only call me to tell me a story, ask my help, opinion in something that are always based around my interests. Cold in that the last minute he would cancel meetings, would turn me away if I suggest something or contradict himself later on with those actions mentioned above so of course after a while this just annoyed me.
So going back to that qoute he is trying to create "activities that are believed to help obtain the limerent object, and activities that involve actually being in the presence of the limerent object." but what I don't then understand is why cancel on me? It's so annoying. At first I just thought he is a horrible person but if he is in limerence then that would explain the cold behaviour, as extreme sufferers also experience fear.  Who knows but I shall get back to this assessment as I need to go to bed and it's early hours of the morning already!!

Now I know he is shy and I can sense deep insecurity that's why I have never fully confronted him about this or I find myself walking around eggshells.
I now see our bond is one that is limerent to limerent. Hmmm, anyway I have been meaning to approach this in a way that won't make matters worse. I'm aware of some possible outcomes and the one I'd like from this shows a warning below...
"Lastly, those relationship bonds in which there exists mutual reciprocation are defined as limerent-limerent bondings. Tennov argues since limerence itself is an "unstable state" that mutually limerent bonds would be expected to be short-lived; mixed relationships probably last longer than limerent-limerent relationships. Some limerent-limerent relationships evolve into affectional bondings over time as limerance declines and such couples are described by Tennov as "old marrieds" whose interactions are typically both stable and mutually gratifying."

If I were to make a relationship from this I do wonder where it'll entail it all depends on how he reciprocate I suppose, his awareness and understanding of everything.

Love has a high frequency thus making a more complex pattern.
This is why love is never easy to decipher but creates higher senses and awareness...

Well this morning I finally said those words in written format unfortunately it wasn't uttered face to face but the circumstance we ended up in weren't the best! it kinda sadens me but hey ho I have said them so at least he knows but to what extent i don't think he'll ever understand.

We had our usual skype session. Funnily i just got out of shower and whilst clossing my windows i heard a bing and thought i was my friend Sam as I told her give me an hour as I'll be showering etc but to my surprise it was JP, we had a nice lil chat before it turned sexual again. Then we agreed I'd go over to his. I really wanted a cuddle and mybe a kiss or two as I've had the most stressfull week and wanted some sweet company.
Anyway it turned sour in the end as I finally showed my annoyance at him. Obviously it didn't sound nice he didn't take it well.

DIRT: part ??

Spoke just now on skype after a few weeks not doing so as usual it turned sexual and I enjoyed it. He turns me on so much and he showed himself and I refused mine but I sent him a pic of me when I finished myself off with my toy cock/rabbit.
Be warned the following can be explicit...

Our relationship is now based on  just having this strong sexual chemistry...
"I need to go do my exercises....it's the only way to burn off sexual energy...and I have too much of that these days haha" He says. Well so much for his celebacy.
Me:   plenty to share around?
JP:   ha why are you asking for some?
Me:   hahaa no
       I am sexually frustrated but that's my own fault and choice
JP:   same here
       sounds like if we had sex it would be pretty wild then ha
       two frustrated people getting what they want = mayhem
Me:  hahaa stop it. I'm starting to get turned on.
JP:  I already am ha
Me:  i think i need to go soon if we continue talking about this.   
       you are bad Mr M****! i thought you're being good.
JP:  I wanna see your p**** on skype now but then I'll just want to
       f*** you
       I am being good. I think.
Me:  hahaa oh my i wouldn't mind being f****d by you
JP:  it's been so long.....I'd do it really slow
       well if you came here now we could do everything else :)
Me:  i so want to do it with you in the open air
       you know i cant!
JP:  I'll open my window wide ;)
Me:  hahah
       i'm so turned on right now
JP:  soz I thought you said you were't really working so thought you
       were kind of free
Me:  no i should get to work now really i musnt delay any further
JP:  ok
       I really wanna see your p**** and show you my d*** but I
       think it'll just be torture and leave me unsatisfied haha
Me:  can you just show me yours :)
JP:  hmmmm....doesn't sound much like a trade to me
       ha
Me:  i'll send you a pic of me coming all over my dildo ;)
JP:  if you strip to your bra and knickers now I'll show you
Me:  i don't have anything on apart from a baggy t-shirt!
JP:  oh wow even better
       fuck I want you so bad now

Anyway we continued until we had our share of pleasure. We can be so filthy and I miss our times of just doing that. There were plenty of this before and even dirtier. I do wish we had more than this but I don't think it works so it'll just be a...

 

SO HORNY!

Today I was surprised JP called me to say he wanted to meet sometime soon to give me my gloves!
First I was surprised by his call because of our previous conversation which wasn't the best, it was pretty confrontational. I thought I wouldn't be hearing from him much from then on.
The reason to why he wanted to meet as he puts is that he is planning to go 'underground'.
I asked "So what do you mean by underground then?" Well he plans to have no communication or distraction from anyone and he will just be focusing on his "relationship with God and music. Everything else is a distraction so I'm shutting myself away." 

The phone call/s was not very clear as he kept breaking up and got cut off a few times as I was making my way home. Anyway that was that...

Oh another weird coincidence. It's been 10days since I found a button and today I found one which reminded me of contacting him and that today I've been listening to their music (after many weeks of going without- where before then I did so most of the time). And when he called I was actually listening/watching their music video on my phone and then his name calling popped up!!! I know- funny world. I mentioned about the button to him but not about the music as I thought that might seem a bit too much of a coincidence but it freakishly was or I didn't want him thinking I was obsessive!! I always have these coincidences...

Hmmm well a few things has happened since I posted something!!

Mostly my confrontation in asking JP "What do you actually want from me?!" which followed a few weird texts back and forth.

Shall update soon.

My dreams belong to Sam Toule

Oh another poem he sent me. I do wonder how many other girls he actually sent this to or am I a special one?! (I like to caress my ego at times)...
With all the lovely things he sends I haven't gone falling for his loaded lines.

The name is an anagram. Can you guess what it is?

Anonymity? What for?

Okay so now I am seriously a lil annoyed with people that treats people crap so naming and shaming will do some good and y'know they deserve to learn some lesson here. I may regret revealing this later at some point but I am just quite annoyed so I am ranting to vent my frustration...

This man I have been talking about is Peter Moore aka Jimmy Rey aka JP.

I don't know what is wrong with this guy but my pet hates are people who plays ignorance and who are deceitful. With JP who I think pretends to be all religious and go to church to get girls. 'Black girls' at that as he told me once he has a thing for them and that he randomly adds them on Facebook and messages them! At first I thought is this guy for real?? But then yes, it would seem so because I have had two revelations of this. He does this perhaps with charming words and poems in hope that he will get them in the bag at some point. Unfortunately I became one of his victims but.... hmm complicated I think I had him too!? As I haven't exactly been the angel but I have in no way been deceitful, I may have held back certain things from him which I don't know why I have but I think it was just my instict to say 'be careful at being too open with this guy' so I have been very guarded!

He talks about being a vegan, straight edge, loving of all animals, loving of god and makes you feel special by doing and saying things like
"Keep this as a secret as I haven't told anyone else"
"I'll cook for you specially, I only made it for you"
"I wrote this song that I want you to listen, you'll be the first one to hear it"
and when it comes to actually treating his fellow human kind he does nothing but be deceitful and then plays ignorance towards you.
I wonder how many others he has played with... please if you ever come across this blog and know of this man and have experienced similar things please comment I would love to hear your stories!! Or even if he is actually nice and I'm just wrong!! And not just ladies I'd like to hear from but also friends of his perhaps.
In terms of his 'womanising' ways I think he has treated a few (or much more) like this as there are a few suspicious comments on Facebook that completely contradicts his words and actions.
Don't go fooling me JP. I'm not some 18 year old that can easily be played and forgoten about! I do see him and that is the most unfortunate thing is that he does not see me and perhaps what I can give.
Friends say "he doesn't deserve you" so I shouldn't tell him how I feel. Ah yeah... oh well.

Anyway back to my annoyance, the situation is that he calls and messages you with lots of nice things and shows a lot of interests but only privately and never publicly. He acts all cold as if you are just an acquaintance in front of people even after some really private and intimate messages and flirting and having been intimate with him etc but when it is just the two of you, he is all into you! Now ladies and gents, is that or not a sure sign from someone who is a player?!

"I'd like to be her pillow case the saddle on her bike,

The mirror in her bedroom as she gets undressed at night.

The corners of her smile, the belly of her laugh,

The surface of the water as she slips into the bath.

The treasure at her finger tips the sand between her toes,

The diamonds in her ears and the suncream on her nose.

I'd like my name to be the word that's on her tip of tongue,

To know my mobile number is the one most often rang.

Her favourite song, her favourite line, the note she'll sweetest sing.

But most of all to be her man, her world, her everything."

Jimmy Rey (The Jacobs)
aka JP Charmer

Received August 2011.

Weird JP

Also last night he texted me.

"Hey hope you had a good weekend! You're not pregnant are you?"

What!? Why!? We last slept together months ago! I would have been grown up enough to have mentioned it if it was the case. I wanted to ignore him but then I thought that would just be silly or say.. 'I think you're checking with the wrong girl here!' but again that would lead to further conversation which I didn't want so with my still annoyance and disappointment in him, keeping it short and sweet I just said

"Yes. Nope."

"Good. Good." was his reply.

Fifteen minutes later he adds

"I'm very tired, had a festival but was good fun! What did you do?"

I knew they performed at The Lounge Festival and I'm sure they had fun and I'm glad to hear he did but I didn't want to know more really as I feel he just wants the attention from me. I'm sorry but he can seek that with others. He only chats to me when it suits him and ignores me when I get in contact- YES ANNOYING!! What is that?

So I replied back half an hour later

"Oh good to hear it went well! Friends, meetings, work etc no rest so now I'm tired too. Goodnight."

Last I heard from him was Wednesday to just say thank you for the buttons which he knew I was making my way to his that evening to drop them off but he did not even invite me in after all that way! That story is >here.<
Actually no it was Friday morning his previous contact when he said
"Button found sweet."
I didn't reply.

General stuff & Four Leaf Clover

Yesterday being a Sunday I spent the afternoon with a friend for tea by the canal and briefed her on my JP situation and how annoyed I was. Not only that, I was also returning her laptop she kindly let me borrow as mine malfunctioned.
C******** tells me that he was totally rude but also thinks he might be scared. Scared of what?!
"I'm not trying to be on his side but I just don't understand it! If he acts all nice, says all these things, sends all these poems and still having you around showing interest then why does he act that way??"
"He's just weird!!" I explained.
"Hmm, he is isn't he!?" Christina agreed.
She knows this because she's experienced his weird 'social disability' (as I call it).
He added her on Facebook and yes they've met once when I took her to one of his gigs but after a few messages his last messaged was
"oh cool, I was just thinking about some old photos I took in Thailand while watching this" 
of which he attached a video link of Eckhart Tolle- The Dao De Ching talking about life and awakening etc which personally I find the subject of this talk quite interesting but not Eckhart he creeps me out.

"My thoughts are my saviour"

Tea and dessert at Towpath Cafe

Afterwards I went to have a meeting with A**** who funnily enough is my friend's other half, well ex other half, the couple who I've mentioned had just recently split up after 7 and half years!! It wasn't awkward at all for me to meet him seeing that S** is one of my best friends. They are at this heartache stage of their break-up so I understood and I'm not biased to either side. We spoke about it of course giving my advice and keeping it mutual because we were all in long term relationships I could somewhat advice from my experience.

We met to discuss a project where I'm helping him with design so more tea and dessert had. Caught up on what he's been up to jetsetting around Europe etc. He's lucky he has all that to distract him whilst S** is on her lonesome away from home and friends. Oh come to think of it she's actually travelling a bit so that should keep her distracted and need to skype date with her soon to see if she is okay and keep her updated on my 'love' situation!

Well as we finished our meet at Beyond Retro Cafe we made our way and stoped at this one shop called Pelican and Parrots, hahaaa funny thing. As I was browsing I saw this shoe paper weight on top of a small pocket like book. I was interested in what it was so as I moved the paper weight from it I was greeted with an engraved cross on the leather cover so it was a black sacred pocket book...

It reminded me of JP of course and then when I opened where the bookmark was...

there was a lucky four leaf clover!

This is funny because when I dreamt about him last (read here) it involved a four leaf clover. And how the next day of that dream as I was waiting for my friends by Camden Town Station a woman standing next to me had a four leaf clover on her phone screensaver! So I interupted her, explained my weird approach and reason for doing so and why I wanted to take a photo of it...

Lovely Spanish lady she was. We chated for a while as our set of friends were all late. Says she grew them at home.

"Where's that?" I asked.

"In Madrid. This is my home." as she pointed at the picture.

"You grew them?!?" from this reaction I was more saddened that she was defeating its 'one of a kind' speacialness.

"Yeah you can buy them at this shop near Madrid and they grow like this. I've never seen them sold anywhere else before. Only at that shop."

So I enquired about it if they have a website I could buy from.

"I don't know, maybe... check. If you want I can send you some!"

"Aw that'd be so cool!! Yes pls!"

Anyway we swapped details I gave her my card but unfortunately that was the eve I lost my phone! So I'm hoping she will get back to me at some point.

She was here for 3 months she does performance and acting and works as a club promoter. I mentioned too what I did and chatted what we were up to that evening. They were going to watch the football match.

"I am so happy yesterday when Spain won four to zero!" she gestured with her fingers.

"I am a big football fan!"

Clearly she was.

I mentioned if she and her friend had time later they could join us at the gig I was attending. Her friend who lived in Camden arrived and was introduced, said our goodbyes. Shortly after my friends arrived.

A Friends Shared Heartache

My convo with a friend about our experiences with stupid men. This also showcases the sensitivities of being a women.

Me:
"Oh I'm glad you have and being honest is good (which I'm trying to do in my own situation by coming out with my feelings)! Hahaa I laugh at your comment about feeling good at telling him he was being a cunt! 

Oh dear S**, like I keep saying emotions are so funny and complicated. Guess what I did last night!?

I thought I'd be romantic myself and visit P***, but fucking hell that failed!! I was on my way and texted him...

"Guess what I'm on my way to see you!! Tell me whether I should turn back round or not..."

He tells me he needs an early night blah blah. Urgh!!! It was only 9:30pm! And I was only half an hour away.

Anyway that disappointed me. I got to his place anyway and gave his buttons through his letterbox! I could see his bedroom light was off so I didn't bother calling for him. Oh that he doesn't know what's good for him!

Quite disappointed really. And earlier today all he could text was 

"I got my parcel today... thank you very much for the buttons I can't believe how many they are!"

That's it!?? Really? 

Well we shall talk more about our funny stories with cunts on Saturday. I will be free to talk then. 

xx"

S**:

"Thanks for your email.

I actually managed to see O******* yesterday and I got my upset and disappointment out on him. I think that he is very much aware of his actions, but just doesn't know how to control them. He also is the type of person to live in the moment of something and get caught up, so his mind isn't straight with what he feels and what is right. Not that I'm trying to make up any excuses for him, but it is hard to just cut someone out of your life when they mean a lot to you, despite their 'fuck-ups'. In a way, if I can't move on in a positive way from this, then how would I expect A**** do to the same with him and I.

Anyways, as I always say, I can only be honest and open and tell someone how I feel, which is what I felt I did. Because as much as he is very aware of how much he has hurt me (by the way, I did tell him he was being a cunt, which felt somewhat good to do), I still want him in my life. I still want to hang out and speak to him and continue to have a friendship. But I also made it clear and said that I already find it very hard to trust people and in result to his actions, moving forward from here will now make me question how much of a level of a friend I can be with him. As in, for me to confide in him and be close enough to maybe be hurt again. So he is aware and hope that he does take it on board, which it seems he did.

And as for this other women he has been seeing, from what he has told me, he said he has not said anything to her. But she has been constantly questioning him and people that he hangs around with. And when mentioning my name, as of late, he hasn't denied anything, but he hasn't said anything either. So I guess, what my friend S*** has told me is that she has her suspicions but I don't truly think she is 100% sure, as nothing was every really confirmed on that front. So I am just not going to say anything to S*** anymore, as she is the friend in between the 2 of us and I don't know if I can trust her not to say or lead something on.

Well, I also just wanted to say thank you so much for being here in this tough time for me. I can't tell you how much I really appreciate you being around for me to talk to.

Let me know if you can speak on Saturday, as I'm flying out on the Sunday. XXX"

I'm very proud of my circle of friends, in that we can always confine in each other.