Confessions

Date: Thu, 27 Sep 2012 14:49:24 -0700
From: me
Subject: Hey...
To: jp

How are you? I hope you've been keeping well.

This may come as a surprise to you. I hope it is a nice one, my intentions with it are. :)

First I must apologise for my last text message to you, it was a little harsh but a true reaction none the less. I was pretty annoyed at the time and having had a long week I was more edgy than usual and truly was just looking forward to seeing and cuddling you that evening.
I don't know what it is that you have over me or what I have for you that I get but something is definitely there. I am in limerence over you and I don't really know what it entails but I know life is too short to live with unspoken words. So here is my confession.

I know this is delayed because of my fears, like most of us those are the fear of my ego being shattered by rejection and the thought of being mocked was too daunting so instead of facing those and learning how to deal with them I've dwelled on those fears and negative thoughts but nothing good has come out of it so here is a change of heart and perspective. Well I'm at least overcoming those just by forwarding you this letter so I hope you take it with compassion. I much prefer to be straight than knowing I have treated a fellow man with wasted doubt and energy for no reason. And upon reflection it isn’t nice to live and treat others that way anyway. I know this will be a lot to comprehend so I don't expect to get a reply too soon, so feel free to take your time but I would really appreciate one.

There are a lot of things I want to say, about me, my thoughts, my feelings and understanding about you. And I truly say these words honestly and sincerely so please heed them well. I want to mention first a couple of things that have upset me in the past or what I find frustrating from this whole situation.
So after just over a year of knowing little about you the main thing that does irate me is your lack of awareness in certain situations or mainly the way you act evasive to things that are said and done and you become all weird, perhaps those are just down to your shyness and your way of dealing with things but it isn't a nice way to treat someone or a good way to go about things. We all come across situations that might be a little uncomfortable but the worse thing to do is be ignorant about it, it becomes unresolved and in my case with you it leads to more distrust. I don't appreciate being misled intentionally if you have ever done that as I felt at times with the things you have said they don’t add up and I've learnt not to trust so easily from my past experience with something similar but I don’t know your side of things that makes you act that way so I know not to judge or assume so easily either.
I am also guilty with certain things when I think about it as I can see how those acts of mine may have come across to you. And I regret having done them wrongly and not making my intentions clear. Hopefully I can make them so in this letter. I try not to be too judgemental and jump to conclusions but there are many things that led me to think you are not that truthful so that’s why I haven’t been completely open to you and from that came my suspicions of your honesty and intent. That is also why I have only let you in on a very small part of me which frustrates me because I want to know you more than what we have of just having this strong sexual chemistry and use each other for it. Maybe these are also what you’re feeling and thinking!? It would be nice to hear from you and your side of things after this as I know there is much more to you and inside that head of yours. And I sense something far more meaningful from you too but I’m seriously the worse person to be hinting to as I can never read things unless spelt out! In a way I can be a little oblivious when it comes to that, like its some sort of defence mechanism.
I am very open and I try to be aware to things and I’ve been told that one of my good traits is being able to understand and I’m not here to boast honestly ;) so please what ever it is you’ve been trying to tell me or what you want to say now I’m open and accepting to them, I don't want us to have any ill feelings and misunderstanding. I hate to leave things on a bad note. Who knows we may even have a lot in common!

A few things you need to know about me that you might have misread wrongly. One and foremost, I never made it clear to you that the relationship I once told you I had ended before we slept together. In fact that was a good 2/3 months before us happened. So I hope you don’t think I’m that sort of person to cheat on somebody. I really liked you to begin with but I was aware my relationship then was unstable so I questioned whether my feelings towards you were true or just merely me reciprocating to my emotional need for any given attention by someone else.
Then you started sending or saying nice things to me such as the lovely poems and compliments and little other things you've done which I never thought anything much from to begin with as I said I don’t like to jump into conclusions nor am I good at reading signs of affection. After mentioning these to a couple of friends they tell me that those were clearly signs that you liked me. Well the idea passed my mind but then I thought you can’t have as you would have said it to me straight and in my face right? I was also told that not everyone is good with their approach so then with that in mind I started to think back to all of those things that I was oblivious to and questioned whether you truly meant them. But on the other hand what didn't help was that you were quite cold and lacked chivalry at times so from that I felt you didn’t care and the rest didn't mean a thing. I don’t know, my whole understanding may be completely wrong here. That’s why I’m asking you these things to hear your side as it shows I care and it matters to me. I do really like you, I have never said it because of all of the uncertainty mentioned above. I’m not good with receiving compliments as you know so I instantly doubt them and brush them away which don’t help in situations when the giving end might have trouble in saying them and my reaction may have come across cold even though my true feelings are far from that.

So if those hints were true then I’m sorry for having no clue. I also know it is partly my fault by having trust issues, as I had experienced a fair bit of dishonesty during that period I was naturally guarded from it all. I just hope you are being/can be straight with me. I don’t know what you’ve experience in your life in matters of the heart but we all need and want to be loved and I have a lot of love to give that I wouldn’t mind giving some to you…
if you let me and that the feeling is mutual of course. :) If not then please say so and I’m also good with that then I'll move on.

I have one major confession and apology to make, it is that I started by leading you on perhaps in the assumption that we could be together but I wasn't sure myself what I wanted so that created mixed signals which I know didn't help. At some point I decided to only have fun, keeping it on a casual/sexual bond between us until you told me about your celibacy and I felt somewhat responsible for being your temptation and my conscience kicked in. I started to back away, that was my way of respecting your decisions but you became my temptation too. I have never lied to you only that I haven't been straight. But for sure I liked you and still do.

So from my side those nice little things you’ve done, with that you are talented in what you do and have a beautiful voice to listen to and that you are also oddly sweet and sensing a dark side of yours all equates to my attraction towards you. Sounding silly and cringey as I read that back but that is the truth Pete. I like you quite a lot for reasons that are weird and unexplainable. Including things that have been so coincidentally strange but I take them as some sort of signs.

Another thing about me, yes I have a lot of friends including males.
I am the type to socialise and I also like to maintain them but that is all. Again I feel that may have come across as something else and admitedly vice versa I've been suspicious of you. It is actually a rarity for me to develop genuine feelings for anyone.
And yes I do have a high sex drive but it doesn’t mean I sleep around. You are still my last lover and I have enjoyed having that with you but it would be nice to have something beyond that. So I guess these are what I’ve been meaning to say to you for some time now specially on that day/evening when I built my courage to come visit you but you disappointed me by turning me away so naturally I was very annoyed. I don’t know what your real reasons were then but I felt your decision was very rude. May I ask what you really thought was going to happen?

Oh and also just to explain myself in sending you that song Love Love Love, the words were befitting to how I felt about you but what I also meant from it was that because of how you were treating me at the time, the complications and the state of my mind was not clear I couldn't Love specially when I felt you may have had those feelings towards me. That was the hidden message.
So now I'm wondering if we can move on from this feeling of rut, seriously I hate falling out with people it's such a wasted energy so I'd like to start afresh with you. I hope I have made some things clearer at least. And it feels good to have finally said all of these to you.

Now smile because I think I love you.
:) <3

From: JP
To: me
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2012 8:59 AM
Subject: RE: Hey...

Hi J****, I think it is good that you wrote that letter.

First of all I need to say I am sorry. I am nearly always aware of how I act and treat people. Sometimes I know I should be acting one way and I act another. Unfortunately I have behaved badly (unintentionally sometimes) towards girls on and off for the last 4 years ever since I split from my ex. It has not been fair on me or the other people I have dragged into it. I am specifically sorry that on a couple of occasions I arranged to meet you, knowing that you probably liked me and wanted something to happen between us, even though I did not, and that was inconsiderate.

I don't feel like I have been dishonest with you, I don't think I have ever told you things I did not mean, but I could have been more true to myself and this mess could possibly have been avoided.

Around the time I met you I was looking for someone to be with, and that's why I kept in contact with you and arranged to go out with you a couple of times. But I was so messed up I didn't know what was best for me, and that was that I needed to be alone and sort out my own issues.

I do not have any feelings for you in a romantic way. And I know that I never will. I am not sure what to do for the best regarding where we go from here, but I do know that me and my ex have tried to be friends and keep in contact over the past 4 years and it has been destructive for both us, mainly because for so long I still had feelings for her and she did not for me. The greatest favour we did ourselves was to cease all contact, and I think that is probably best for us. I know that seems cold and maybe even selfish but I honestly think that all the time you harbour feelings for me it is for the best for both of us, we would not be able to have a genuine friendship with those feelings bubbling under the surface.

I have had a shit time of things recently and it has all been self inflicted. I know what is best for me now though and that is to keep myself busy with the things I love, God and music. When we do this, everything else falls into place and it will for you too.

I still have those gloves for you, and it seems a waste to throw them in the bin, if you give me your address again I will post them to you ( I deleted all numbers and messages off my phone the other week).

Please know that I am sorry. But I have learnt that it does no good to hanker after someone who does not feel the same way, I wasted a lot of time and energy, and shed a lot of tears over my ex, and it was all for no purpose. So please don't waste any on me. You will find someone who will love you back as much as you love them.

Take care and God bless

P***

From: me
To: JP
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2012 6:48 PM
Subject: Re: Hey...

Hi P***

Thank you for your honest reply and your apology I appreciate it a lot.

I am sorry to learn about your ex and how that has greatly affected you. I could sense you were in a lot of sorrow and it does take a lot to overcome it. Time is a great healer as they say but please don’t prolong it by inflicting more pain.

I also had my share of heartache so I can relate, a relationship I had of 8 and a half years was hard to let go but as I learnt and realised to focus myself towards those who loved me and the things I loved they gave me strength and I got over it which helped a great deal so you are on the right path.
With my ex we knew remaining as friends was not a good idea even though I wanted to so badly because I couldn't see a life without him. We had such a strong bond and after a long history with someone like that it was hard to completely cut them off. Making that harsh decision was the best way we knew we could have moved on, being strong was the challenge. And I think it worked, there were times I'd wish it was all different but thinking it that way was not gonna change anything so instead I am grateful for everything we’ve experienced and I would never change a thing even the very low points in our relationship. Because I learnt a lot from it.

I’ve never actually said that to him perhaps I should do.
Now and again we’d email each other just to say Hi, Happy Christmas or New Year etc which is nice but I also find it odd as our approach to each other now can be very formal considering the intensity we once had in our past. I still very much have respect and care for him and I think that’s a healthy relationship.

I see you have a lot of qualities that are great even more so than a lot of people I know, it would be a shame if you keep shutting yourself from them so do spend your energy emitting that true self of yours, it is the best thing to do and then you can be true to others.

Of course I find it a shame to know you have no romantic feelings for me as I have developed them towards you, I wanted to check if it was mutual so I know how to take it further. And from all of this I hold no resentment towards you I want you to know that.
I still love you in an admirable/affectionate/spiritual way and this is not at all a waste nor pain for me. We have to care for each other in all sorts of ways in this world and those people around us who bears that quality are the gift in someone’s life.

It would be great to receive those gloves; I found three in the past week I think the first time since spring!
My address is…
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I also have some buttons I’ve been meaning to send a long time ago I’ll send those over to you. I do still find so many... I guess they are like tokens of affection that you collect and keep. I now understand your title.

Likewise I also know you will find someone who will love you back as much as you love them. Just keep an open heart.

I’ve taken on everything you’ve said and to a certain point I agree, I think its best to not carry on with how we were. But I think its silly if we cut each other out completely, I know nothing from my side will hurt me by being just friends with you but I will be keeping my distance. My experience with you is not the same to your ex nor am I the same person. We are still very much in search of self discovery and that should be our focus. You will understand yourself and how to fit-in in this world and ultimately with others.

I will take care of myself, thank you.
You take care of yourself too and all the best with your music.

J******-G****

x