Love in a Box

Visitting the past 

A couple of nights ago I was tidying and I came across my past Love stored in a box or two. It is sad that it has succumbed to that.

So many memories of joy, happiness and sadness in the form of images and letters.

Here are just a few to show you a snippet of my first love experience. Made me realise how precious people are to you at one point and how that moment is so great and you live it. I'm glad we lived it to the full. It made me sad going through them but mostly happy memories and it just made me smile as I flipped through until I saw this...

Photos on our first holiday in Holland.

Feeding friendly local birds during our trip to Venice for our 5 year anniversary.

This is the first time since G**** handed it back to me that I flipped through the album I made of us for our 5 year anniversary! So this was the first time I've seen the note written on the back of the first photo he took of me and carried in his wallet (which I've always hated). This made me sad... 
This was about 4 months ago when he returned all the sentimental things. I guess I'm different and would rather keep them to myself. 
"It upsets me too much to have them as a reminder." 
Was his reason in returning them all.

Okay I just spoke to JP briefly on skype this evening. I asked whether he received my text the other day that he has ignored which he says he hadn't received and added
"... I don't think so." so I guess he hasn't but it most definitely was sent!?

Anyway. Good day had. Been to a very small festival called Leefest and somehow got press tickets which was useful to have to get some nice pics and hang out in the backstage area. 

A***** who is a new friend invited me along who was put under a press pass representing Instagram. I wasn't expecting one for me but when we were getting his, the guy who gave them thought I also needed one but obviously I wasn't on the list but he ended up giving me one anyway so that was very nice of him! :-)


Mystery Jets were the only ones I knew who played so here are a few of my fave pics I took...

And when they sang Two Doors Down with its opening line "I think I'm in love.." I thought of JP of course (rolls eyes) haha.

Todays weather I was incredibly grateful for because we were forecasted rain and no single droplet appeared and the sun came out and I may have gained a shade darker. A***** laughed that I had these jelly flats on whilst he had his wellies, haha I had a feeling it was going to be alright anyway.

We also managed to wander off for a couple of hours in the morning and spent some time away into the fields and amongst some horses. Aw I miss little adventures like that with a special someone and when in the company of someone very special it makes the experience even more so.

I was also planning to attend a friends birthday this evening which was very near to JP's home and I was seriously considering of just showing up there to see if he was in and somehow pour out my heart and tell him what I think and how I felt! Seriously I was building myself for it! But we got home rather late and I was super exhausted and I think I may be coming down with something so I ended up not going which is a good thing I now feel because something like that would have been emotionally overwhelming so it definitely was not the right time. 
During my way home one of my best friends wanted to Skype me to have a chat who has recently broken up with her love of 7 and a half years! Another sad love story.
I then got home, logged in and I get an email from her saying that her colleague has just visited so she wasn't free but I noticed JP was online so we chatted briefly. Weirdly enough he said... 
"Would have been nice to see you this evening. I could have done with some company."
I asked why that was? 
"Are you home alone?"
"No but housemates doing their own thing. I spend a lot of time on my own really. Sometimes I like company. I don't see many females either haha."
"Haha." I replied and I also mentioned my original plan of going to my friends party and maybe "...just showing up at yours"
"Oh I wish you had have."
I told him only two reasons to why I couldn't in the end, one being home late and me feeling exhaustedly ill as "I haven't been looking after myself much". In which he showed care 
"Make sure you look after yourself then. Early night!"
Anyway we chatted a little bit more and said our goodnights.
And I also added.
"I'll try and dream about you! ;-)"
"Haha ok"
"Oh by the way. I found you two buttons today at the festival!! Haven't found one in nearly a week which is a long period without finding one. Night x
Enjoy your juice."
I concluded as he mentioned he was going to squeeze himself a fresh orange juice before going to bed.

To call or not to call

I keep picking up my phone opening messages and start to type then I'd delete it all or go onto my contacts find his name and place my thumb on the call button but I revert back to main menu.


Why do I do such a thing!? It's so confusing...
I know its not healthy to suppress LOVE but my vulnerability gets the better of me.

Supernatural Compatibilty

Me and JP are not very compatible in terms of the usual things that you would look for in a partner. Whether you have the same interest etc. But we have this strong force that I can't explain!! I know this sounds silly to people but I just feel that we do and I think from day one I felt it. 

It's almost supernatural?! Ha, funny I know.

If he has been telling me the truth all the time with the things that happens to him then they are strangely connected to my world.... *sigh like I said it's hard to explain.

I feel lots of weird things happen and I've never felt these things with anyone else...

For example the latest was when he last called me (I've known him for 11 months and has only ever called me 4 times and it was all in the last 6 weeks). He basically wanted to tell me that he got off the car to pick up a glove he found on the road for me and that he "so got the short end of this!" looking like a fool infront of all these people. And when he called me I was actually asleep having a nap (I kinda fell asleep whilst I was working as my laptop was still on my lap!) so he woke me up.

"Oh sorry were you asleep?" 

Sounding as just having woken up I replied 

"Yeah but it's fine!"

"Shall I call you later?"

Making myself sound awake and more upbeat I replied.

"No. Nope, carry on..." 

Then he starts telling me what he just got up to

"You'd never believe this but...." blah blah. 

And as he started telling me his story, the dream I was just having comes flooding back in and it came to light that I was just dreaming about him!! At this point I was listening amazed and happy at what he was telling me and generally happy he called to tell me this which is so sweet but at the same time it was even more weird that the last thing I remember was him in my dream and for a moment I asked myself 'okay am I still dreaming or actually awake?!' My mind was a little bleary as I just woke up feeling a little in limbo between conscious and unconsciousness. Dream and reality and experiencing the sensations of this weirdly joyous and ecstaticness at what I was hearing and what was happening.

As this dawned on me, I had to interrupt him

"Om my gosh, sorry but... I just remembered I was dreaming about you!"

"Were you?!"

"Yeah how strange. Oh this is just weird!"

I kinda briefly mentioned what happened in my dream. Something about a school, a four leaf clover and a class I stumble across with him lying on the floor half naked with others whilst a woman was drawing/writing on his belly! Later on I just had to write it all down as it was all still vivid in my mind. He then tells me a story about a really weird dream he had recently, him being in China and coming across these weird characters which he tells me he drew and posted it on Facebook and that I should check it out which I did and I had actually come across before but I checked it out more and now I know the reasons behind it and these are the characters he mentioned and drew...

What does his dream mean?

So all in all this weird coincidence was more than just that I recon that's why I am fascinated by what I have with him and the reason I still would like to keep him around.

I feel like...

I should say SORRY! 
Sorry for making things awkward and not being straight with you with my feelings. Sorry for not telling you how I feel and think. My actions are sending mixed signals because it is not the full picture!
But I know all this is because of fear, fear of rejection, of hurt and also my lack of faith in trust!!! 
What is wrong with me. 


I had this deep conversation with some ladies at our night picnic last Friday about what is wrong in society, it is that we lack trust for each other and this is the barrier we face into giving love and care. 
We each shared stories of the difficulties we have experienced where just a simple trust and care would have gone a long way and made things a lot simpler thus making the individuals concerned more happy! 
Why do we complicate things where there is no reason to. I think we only do so from lack of trust for one another... am I rambling on here?! But you know what I mean!
Because our hearts and feelings are what makes us vulnerable we don't easily show or give that away.
It is a shame because those are the fundamentals of having a happier life.


I am sure that we are all heading that way though. There is a shift in peoples perception of humanity and the world as a whole.

He doesn't know...

I think about him everyday...

Seriously, everyday without fail. Either something would remind me of him such as a button (found one today), veganism, guy with long hair, a preacher or just ramdom little things that would, hahaa then I'd smile and think of him and what he is up to.

I care for him more than he will ever realise... 

and would even more. 

When I sense he is sad or happy it somewhat effects me too. I can sense his little fucked up ways and him trying to fulfill a happier soul. I just want to help fill his void. There is so much more I would like to say to him mostly this...

"Life is so simple, don't complicate things by restrictions to yourself. Live life with an open heart and mind. The world is out there for you to explore and do not build walls around you. Be free and don't be afraid to take a ride, it's up and downs are the excitement that keeps your heart pumping and alive."

And so so much more. 
I once read an update of his "When your heart is aching, remember your heart is a King."
I wanted to reply "...or a Queen." because I felt this for  myself. And to also say "it's okay it doesn't have to because I am here" but I thought those would've been too much so I left it and he never knew.  

He is my second and also my last lover...
and the fourth guy I've kissed in my whole entire life. This is important to mention because I think he may think I'm some sort of player as I have been seen hanging out a lot with just guys and when I was invited to his house party. This guy M***** was really flirty with me and I'm too nice to be ubruptly rude. So when JP and I were saying our goodbyes in his front hallway, M*****'s friend came up to ask
"Sorry to interrupt. J**** right?" 
"Yeah." I replied.
"I was wondering if I could take your number for M*****? I think he'd like to keep in contact with you."
"Umm..." A moment of awkwardness and exchanges of looks happened.
"Don't look at me!" JP replied.
"Oh umm, I already have given my number... when he was more sober! Haaha." I said keeping it cool and trying not to sound overly bothered. But in my head I was concerned what JP was thinking about this situation.  
"Oh okay, sure." the friend said goodbye and set off.

Anyway I hope he hadn't read into that the wrong way! :-/ 
Which I suppose if I were in his shoes I would have and be thinking... 'How dare this boy lead me on and end up chatting and flirting to some girl at my own house party!!' and I'd think- 'you manwhore!' and be kinda sad about it.
During the evening whilst The J***** did a set, me and M***** were having a good time dancing like everyone else and he kept playing with my hair, hugging me and at one point also kissed me on the forehead right infront of JP! I was really hoping if he saw that that it didn't read the wrong way!
Bless M***** though he had beer goggles on so that's probably why he was affectionate with me hahaa. 
Also at one point M***** and I were sitting down on the sofa and he was quite out of it and he kept saying he loved my trousers and rubbing my leg and playing with my hair. 
"Are you al'right?" I said half teasing. 
"Yeah he's fine!" Replied one of his friends.
JP then added something like
"Are you al'right there J****? Are you being molested." he joked whilst he was busy entertaining three ladies.
"Yeah! I'm good." I laughed.

At the House Party where JP performed

But anyway people knows that I'm just friendly to everyone and that I make lots of friends and not just girls but lots of guys too but the main thing is no one else I think about but him.

These he will never know. 

All he needs to do is set himself free.

And I will be there with my open heart ready to let him in.

I can see that at the moment we are some worlds apart and I feel my effort would be wasted if I opened my heart for him now.

JP's first poem

Poem 1 and our first hang out:

These are the words I received last summer from a guy who is truly a charmer, behind them is an image of his room where we watched a film and ate his homemade chocolate torte.

So yeah that was last summer and I was still with my boyfriend then when I met up with him and we hanged out! Now I completely did not see this as a date by the way as I do go out with people a lot even just one to one with guys -as friends- but have to admit that day felt a little more like a date towards the end!? I shall tell you why...

Haaa oh my. 

Okay so we flirted via messages after our initial random meet at this gig. So I think it was a couple of weeks after that that this day happened.

The actual whole reason of me meeting him is that I forgot my camera case in his car after dropping me off all the way from Brighton! I needed it back and so we arranged a meet and thought why not make a day of it. So in the end he arranged to go to his friends exhibition. It was a very very hot summers day. He needed to go grocery shopping first so I accompanied him to Tesco and also he wanted to cook dinner if I had time to stay around, which happened and he was a great cook even though he is a vegan and I'm quite the opposite!! He also made fresh apple and ginger juice! I was impressed with that too. And he made chocolate torte which was the whole intention of me going to his in the end to try it out. 

I thought why not. So our day started with him meeting me at the station, we went grocery shopping then quickly dropped the stuff at his. Made juice with his own juicer before we went to the exhibition, hanged out and walked around the whole art fair event which was the Hackney Wicked. 

JP is weird in a way that he socialises. I thought there were times he was a little timid which unfortunately also reflected on me! Or more he was weird in the way that he would wait for my reaction on certain things he would say... I don't know whether this is some sort of trying to understand me and checking if we gelled in thoughts or mind frame. He would sometimes have that straight cold stare after questioning me on something, it was a tad off putting and I found myself kinda shortening my answers and my words didn't flow. That reason and also that maybe I kinda liked him where I always feel awkward when that feeling is involved! 

Anyway after the whole Hackney Wicked tour we went back to his to have dinner and to watch a movie. He cooked well like I said. What did he make now... some sort of vegan paella?! It was certainly refreshing to watch a man cook well when G**** didn't really show much interest. He made me try it whilst he cooked to check if it was tasty which it was. We ate and chatted and then I tried his homemade chocolate torte for dessert. 

I met one of his flat mates R*** whom I think was up herself a bit, who knows but I just got that rude vibe after having met her a couple of times. 

I helped him clean up and wash the dishes afterwards. It was all so homely and overly comfortable for a first meet with a guy whom I randomly got to know two weeks prior to this day!

And then we watched a Shane Meadows movie, A Room for Romeo Brass. I had agreed previously that if I had time I wouldn't mind watching a movie. Now I hadn't realised that we would be watching this in his bedroom in which the photo above was taken. I thought until this point this was all innocent and then when I was invited to his room to watch a movie this is when I was thinking -hold on, should I really be doing this as I am with G****!? And the 'oh-oh', G****'s face kept popping up and warning bells rang.

But then nothing is happening or has happened so nothing to feel guilty about so I was keeping a close eye on where this was taking. 

Now I must admit I still hadn't at this point mentioned that I was with someone!!! I know, I know. My silliness but the conversation never came up and I really didn't want to sound big headed and say out of the blue "By the way I've got a boyfriend." and then for me to look silly when he had no intention in hitting on me in the first place. But now come to think of it I should've because he obviously was and I obviously was towards him after all the exchanges of flirty messages and the whole thing just led to being misled. Well in a way I enjoyed the flirtiness and attention so perhaps my decision in not mentioning was also that I didn't want it to stop.

Also I am very very bad at reading signs when it concerns these things until it becomes obvious like for example when during the film he asked

"Can I put my arm around you?"

In which I replied 

"Umm. No." A straight refusal with shock and horror but in a quite nice but awkward way!? :-/ and only really at this point the penny dropped...

        Oh deary me. 

Sooo then that made everything awkward! And we watched the remainder of the film cross armed, feeling weird, not knowing what to do whilst sitting on his bed. Yes ladies and gents that was our heat of passion!! I killed the fire! 

Well y'know I just couldn't at this point, as much as I liked him too I couldn't do that to G****. I think my self control is pretty good. 

And as soon as the film finished it was literally like 

"Okay time for me to go." We got ourselves ready. I thought the film was okay, a bit depressing but the usual from Meadows. Then he dropped me off home to the station. We awkwardly hugged and I thanked him afterwards. I would like to tell you exactly what was exchanged via texts but unfortunately I lost my phone last Friday with all the previous convos we've had and I've no reference to go back to now which is real shame. Just gonna try my hardest to remember...

Also during the Hackney Wicked hanging out he spoke to his sister on the phone and also his dad. At one point during his conversation with his sister I guess she asked what he was up to and JP replied

"I'm out with my friend looking at some exhibition."

"My friend J****... oh no not that J****. Another one. Haha." JP smiles at me.

"My sister says 'Hi'"

"Hiya." I repied.

"She says 'hi'" he says back on the phone. 

Their conversation lasted a bit and at this point I kinda left him to it as I walked around this exhibition and I spoke to this guy P**** who I knew from work. He was the camera man during this talk that was happening at the time and I managed to briefly have a chat with him and when JP was done I introduced them. So that was a nice random meet because I noticed then that he hadn't been at work for sometime, it was because he left and now focusing on his filming and photography work. 

Like I said JP also spoke to his dad a couple of times them arranging something which I thought was sweet that he was close to his family. 

He also showed me this childrens book he made where the characters featured are the soft toys he had in his room. That made me really smile as it was very well done with full illustrations and everything. As his job he is a nanny and tells me that the two photos of kids that was on his shelf were the children he looked after.

He also played a couple of tunes on his guitar whilst I was there. 

YES ALL THIS WAS CHARMING RIGHT!? This is why I call him JP Charmer. I am wary of his advances though I still couldn't resist falling for his charms. Since those first days of flirting I did let it go on but I'm always questioning his authenticity everytime he gives me compliments and the more time flies I notice something dodgy but then he would come out with something nice that I ask again if it was genuine. He is difficult to understand... a mystery. Hahaa he did call me a "mysterious little lady" once. I suppose I too am guilty of sending very mixed signals.

Revelations: Prt 1

Okay so today. Apart from my usual busy self. I was possibly meeting up with JP but it didn't happen- yet again. He was suppose to let me know by the afternoon if he can or can't but didn't even contact me. Which kinda left me waiting, well I was busy anyway but I just don't like it when people don't keep their word or at least let me know if they change their word but nothing.

Why am I making the least bit of effort with this guy?? I don't think he has any care at all about me and I seem to be kinda the one chasing him. I must be a fool!

Hmmm. Anyway yes I am annoyed with myself for even giving him time and effort even doing this blog and thinking about him is just too much effort I'm putting in...

I'm gonna have a little rant now about his annoyingness. Okay well most of the time he never gets back to my messages. It's as if he ignores me specially when it comes to FB!! The thing is I think he is very much a charmer, he likes to flirt and get girls attention and he doesn't seem to entertain them publicly. Perhaps that's his problem, an attention seeker or just needy. He only entertains me via personal text or private messages but never in public i.e. Facebook or even face to face in public especially with a group of people we know. Now if he does that with me I guess he does the same with all the other girls that he might be entertaining right? Or am I just being over dramatic but I don't think I am. My gut feelings are pretty good and I feel this in particular!

In fact I shall give you an example of why I think this is true. I had a random meet with two ladies that he has 'tried' with. (by the way my life is full of funny coincidences like these which I find really fascinating and love!) 

Revelation 1

First one was a girl he went on a date with whilst heavily flirting with me by saying nice things and sending lovely poems, y'know making feel special etc.

I went to a gig in Camden and I invited a few friends, one was a photographer friend of mine L*** and asked if he could bring a friend along and I was like

"Sure of course you can."

On the eve of the gig, me and a couple of other friends met them there and to my surprise L***'s friend was his ex V********. I have previously met her during a photoshoot and it was nice to see her after so long. So we said our usual...

"How are you? How are things?" etc etc.

As the evening progressed our conversation somehow led to the mention of The J***** band. I think I may have been the one who bought it up saying

"I was suppose to go to another gig this evening of my friends but I've already seen  them plenty of times so..."

"Who's that?" She asked.

"The J*****" I replied.

"The J*****?! Is the singer's name P***?"

"Yeah! Do you know them?!" 

V******** laughs and adds
"Yeah! I went out with him!"

At this point I was of course very intrigued!

"Hahaa" I replied cooly "Really?! Haha."

"So how did it go?" I enquired.

"Oh we saw each other a couple of times and just spent the day together wandering around and we went to this cafe and hanged out there!"

By this time I'm wondering when this was so...

"When was this?" I asked.

"A couple of weeks ago." 

Oh my goodness a couple of weeks ago!!! He was flirting with me exchanging some filthy messages the freaking cheek!

"It was nothing. I didn't feel anything there." V******** added.

"Ah okay. Haha so funny. What a small world!" I concluded.  
"Well I'll say hello!"

And so we carried on with the gig (which was really good by the way) or onto some other topic.

I really didn't want to pry, as much as I really wanted to!! I should've asked a couple more questions about it but at this point I was a little annoyed by JP. 

Home time came so me and L*** took the same direction so we had a little chat about this funny coincidence! He said

"Actually I knew you two had someone in common but obviously I didn't want to mention anything..."   

"Y'know that is really weird!" I said.

I think at this point because I have mentioned quite a bit about JP before to L*** and how I liked him and that he sends me these nice things. L*** perhaps felt my little worry that I have found this out so he added

"Yeah but V******** says she didn't feel anything towards him like there's no chemistry."

"Yeah, that's really interesting!" Was all that I could muster! Keeping it nonchalant.

I seem to remember the weeks before this evening when L*** and I had a meeting about a project, we got talking about love life, this was when I spoke about JP and he spoke about his potential dates. We also talked about our exes, his V******** and my G****. Chatted about having both gone through long term relationships. That was when he also mentioned about V******** "going on some date next week" which now I think that would have been the date with P***! What funny things.

Also L*** tells me that he was actually invited to The J***** gig that evening because L***'s last date was with the lady who owned or organizes the venue they were performing in!

"Haha. Really?! No way!" I replied with amazement.

"Yeah that would have been really interesting!" 

"Hahaa yeah! We should've gone and made some weird awkward shit happen!" 

Imagine all of us in one room all intertwined with one another linked by our wandering hearts.

We had a chuckle about the funny small world we live in.

After a couple of weeks or so later I brought this up with JP during one of our skype chats.

"We have a mutual friend!" I hinted.

"Who's that?"

"Her name's V**."

"Val who?...

      Is her name V******* from Syria?"
"Yes. V********."

and at that moment he disappears. Poof! Like magically disappears! I waited for sometime, I was online for a few more hours as I thought he may have gotten disconnected but nope... he just went. I guess he couldn't face that fact or man enough to deal with it and chat about it!! And he never mentioned this anymore afterwards, not about V******** nor apologising about being cut off! 
This sort of thing frustrates me from people and I've noticed that trait about him, when there is anything awkward, instead of him dealing with it he just ignores it or you. It's not a very nice way to interact, it's disrespectful. I don't think he realises this, which is a great shame.

Lately I've been thinking about LOVE and how I love being in-love!!

I miss Love. I wish I had it right now...

I came across this beautiful video...

By Jade Fung.

"Love is the secret to life." How very spot on.

To me Love means everything. This is cliché but it completes you and I only realised this when I had Love then lost it. But it's all good, better have loved and broken than not having had the experience at all. I'm told it'll come by again.

Button Intro

By the way we have this thing that we do. JP started collecting lost buttons a year ago or so and I started collecting lost gloves. The funny thing is I think I seem to be finding more buttons and he is finding more gloves so we collect for each other too. Although in saying that yesterday he apparently came across 39 buttons that someone had dropped and called me in the morning to share his joy! He also found a button before that so that made it 40 altogether. 

Damn. No way of beating that record. Best I found in a day is 5!

So anyway above are the ones I've still got and still to give. I may have found about 150 buttons for him so far.

Dirt...

"Help. I'm in danger of asking to show you myself on skype again." message from desperate JP.

What to reply? Yes or No. I want to but I'm trying to be a good girl and not be his temptation!! If he says he is who he wants to be.

We have had some exchanges of dirty dirty messages also involving Skype. I will later mention some of these...