JP's first poem

Poem 1 and our first hang out:

These are the words I received last summer from a guy who is truly a charmer, behind them is an image of his room where we watched a film and ate his homemade chocolate torte.

So yeah that was last summer and I was still with my boyfriend then when I met up with him and we hanged out! Now I completely did not see this as a date by the way as I do go out with people a lot even just one to one with guys -as friends- but have to admit that day felt a little more like a date towards the end!? I shall tell you why...

Haaa oh my. 

Okay so we flirted via messages after our initial random meet at this gig. So I think it was a couple of weeks after that that this day happened.

The actual whole reason of me meeting him is that I forgot my camera case in his car after dropping me off all the way from Brighton! I needed it back and so we arranged a meet and thought why not make a day of it. So in the end he arranged to go to his friends exhibition. It was a very very hot summers day. He needed to go grocery shopping first so I accompanied him to Tesco and also he wanted to cook dinner if I had time to stay around, which happened and he was a great cook even though he is a vegan and I'm quite the opposite!! He also made fresh apple and ginger juice! I was impressed with that too. And he made chocolate torte which was the whole intention of me going to his in the end to try it out. 

I thought why not. So our day started with him meeting me at the station, we went grocery shopping then quickly dropped the stuff at his. Made juice with his own juicer before we went to the exhibition, hanged out and walked around the whole art fair event which was the Hackney Wicked. 

JP is weird in a way that he socialises. I thought there were times he was a little timid which unfortunately also reflected on me! Or more he was weird in the way that he would wait for my reaction on certain things he would say... I don't know whether this is some sort of trying to understand me and checking if we gelled in thoughts or mind frame. He would sometimes have that straight cold stare after questioning me on something, it was a tad off putting and I found myself kinda shortening my answers and my words didn't flow. That reason and also that maybe I kinda liked him where I always feel awkward when that feeling is involved! 

Anyway after the whole Hackney Wicked tour we went back to his to have dinner and to watch a movie. He cooked well like I said. What did he make now... some sort of vegan paella?! It was certainly refreshing to watch a man cook well when G**** didn't really show much interest. He made me try it whilst he cooked to check if it was tasty which it was. We ate and chatted and then I tried his homemade chocolate torte for dessert. 

I met one of his flat mates R*** whom I think was up herself a bit, who knows but I just got that rude vibe after having met her a couple of times. 

I helped him clean up and wash the dishes afterwards. It was all so homely and overly comfortable for a first meet with a guy whom I randomly got to know two weeks prior to this day!

And then we watched a Shane Meadows movie, A Room for Romeo Brass. I had agreed previously that if I had time I wouldn't mind watching a movie. Now I hadn't realised that we would be watching this in his bedroom in which the photo above was taken. I thought until this point this was all innocent and then when I was invited to his room to watch a movie this is when I was thinking -hold on, should I really be doing this as I am with G****!? And the 'oh-oh', G****'s face kept popping up and warning bells rang.

But then nothing is happening or has happened so nothing to feel guilty about so I was keeping a close eye on where this was taking. 

Now I must admit I still hadn't at this point mentioned that I was with someone!!! I know, I know. My silliness but the conversation never came up and I really didn't want to sound big headed and say out of the blue "By the way I've got a boyfriend." and then for me to look silly when he had no intention in hitting on me in the first place. But now come to think of it I should've because he obviously was and I obviously was towards him after all the exchanges of flirty messages and the whole thing just led to being misled. Well in a way I enjoyed the flirtiness and attention so perhaps my decision in not mentioning was also that I didn't want it to stop.

Also I am very very bad at reading signs when it concerns these things until it becomes obvious like for example when during the film he asked

"Can I put my arm around you?"

In which I replied 

"Umm. No." A straight refusal with shock and horror but in a quite nice but awkward way!? :-/ and only really at this point the penny dropped...

        Oh deary me. 

Sooo then that made everything awkward! And we watched the remainder of the film cross armed, feeling weird, not knowing what to do whilst sitting on his bed. Yes ladies and gents that was our heat of passion!! I killed the fire! 

Well y'know I just couldn't at this point, as much as I liked him too I couldn't do that to G****. I think my self control is pretty good. 

And as soon as the film finished it was literally like 

"Okay time for me to go." We got ourselves ready. I thought the film was okay, a bit depressing but the usual from Meadows. Then he dropped me off home to the station. We awkwardly hugged and I thanked him afterwards. I would like to tell you exactly what was exchanged via texts but unfortunately I lost my phone last Friday with all the previous convos we've had and I've no reference to go back to now which is real shame. Just gonna try my hardest to remember...

Also during the Hackney Wicked hanging out he spoke to his sister on the phone and also his dad. At one point during his conversation with his sister I guess she asked what he was up to and JP replied

"I'm out with my friend looking at some exhibition."

"My friend J****... oh no not that J****. Another one. Haha." JP smiles at me.

"My sister says 'Hi'"

"Hiya." I repied.

"She says 'hi'" he says back on the phone. 

Their conversation lasted a bit and at this point I kinda left him to it as I walked around this exhibition and I spoke to this guy P**** who I knew from work. He was the camera man during this talk that was happening at the time and I managed to briefly have a chat with him and when JP was done I introduced them. So that was a nice random meet because I noticed then that he hadn't been at work for sometime, it was because he left and now focusing on his filming and photography work. 

Like I said JP also spoke to his dad a couple of times them arranging something which I thought was sweet that he was close to his family. 

He also showed me this childrens book he made where the characters featured are the soft toys he had in his room. That made me really smile as it was very well done with full illustrations and everything. As his job he is a nanny and tells me that the two photos of kids that was on his shelf were the children he looked after.

He also played a couple of tunes on his guitar whilst I was there. 

YES ALL THIS WAS CHARMING RIGHT!? This is why I call him JP Charmer. I am wary of his advances though I still couldn't resist falling for his charms. Since those first days of flirting I did let it go on but I'm always questioning his authenticity everytime he gives me compliments and the more time flies I notice something dodgy but then he would come out with something nice that I ask again if it was genuine. He is difficult to understand... a mystery. Hahaa he did call me a "mysterious little lady" once. I suppose I too am guilty of sending very mixed signals.

Lately I've been thinking about LOVE and how I love being in-love!!

I miss Love. I wish I had it right now...

I came across this beautiful video...

By Jade Fung.

"Love is the secret to life." How very spot on.

To me Love means everything. This is cliché but it completes you and I only realised this when I had Love then lost it. But it's all good, better have loved and broken than not having had the experience at all. I'm told it'll come by again.

First Meet...

I may have mentioned, actually I have previously mentioned about a guy I first met nearly a year ago. Y'know the one I wrote a letter to, that post is here... letter! Which I now cringe a little for doing but that was that at the time and I'm glad I did because that's how I felt. I would have regretted it more if I didn't. I'd rather cringe than regret.

He is still in the scene. Our friendship/relationship is really really strange. As I haven't had much experience with guys before I don't really know what or how to classify this social behaviour! hahaa

I need guidance, I have mentioned this to friends and they are as confused on what we have as they don't know fully how I feel or know every detail of what we have or understand this sixth sense I have (you know what i mean- this gut feeling or whatever!) or what we've had together (which is not a lot) to fully be able to give some advice. Actually I don't think I've heard such a relationship before?!

Anyway matters of the heart is always complex.

As I mentioned to a friend the other day..

"The heart is complex and love is complicated because everyone has insecurities and everyone is scared of being hurt so it's hard to be straight and make things clear."

No matter how much we'd like it to just be simple to fall in love and be happy we all fall back on our own insecurities when it comes with the heart.

I've put together a small mix tape a few days ago, songs that aptly describes my feelings which I'd like to give to him one day soon I hope, otherwise the moment will soon surpass. That's another thing, better to do things now when you really feel it because things will later change and the opportunity will pass, don't let it become a 'what if' or a regret. :-)

I have had those moments and it's a shame. So I try to live by that rule as much as possible.

My proudest moments are those opportunities I have seized! However big or small.

In this case, I am glad I decided to jump on the stage whilst he was performing to attach this badge on him that I had because I needed to leave and to say sorry I couldn't stay to watch his bands whole set, we only watched two or three of their songs. Also I thought it would be somewhat nice to do. It was one of those random moments that I felt like doing. Of course my mind thought "don't be ridiculous and embarrass yourself. People will find you weird." but glad I listened to the "Hey, why not? It's fun, you want to do it and to heck with it." thought.

The Badge

That was the evening we first met.

That was the evening he tapped me on the shoulders to ask...

"Do you think that girl got into that band because she slept with one of them?"

Something along those lines were his first words! Hahaaa.

So we got chatting. Didn't know he was performing that evening. His oddness and the randomness intrigued me.

He asked. "Are you guys staying around."

"No, probably not. Just came here to watch my friends show gonna go somewhere soon to eat and have a drink nearby." I replied.

"Ah that's a shame. Were performing later, we're the last ones on."

"Ahh, who are you?" I asked as I peered and focused on the list of performers up on the wall. Trying to read the name of the last band written.

"The J*****." He said.

"Well okay I'll see, maybe. We haven't decided what's happening yet so..."

We chatted a little bit more. Where I'm from originally, small talk etc and carried on joking about the girl in the band who were still then performing.

I hanged out with another guy R** whom I've met once before but only got talking more that evening whilst the others went to a pub nearby. We decided to join the others a little later as I wanted to watch The J***** performance. Me and Rob had fun, he was a little bit of a flirt and you know I laughed with him because I can't help but see R** as a little... lets say camp. I thought why not he's fun, he's young, he's gay, no harm in flirting there but afterwards I find out on our way home that he isn't at all! When he asked if I had a boyfriend and said I was pretty and that we got talking about his ex-girlfriends thats when I realised my gay dar was clearly not up to scratch!! I had mistaken his over flirtiness as my hope of having a gay friend.

Later on I wondered what P*** thought about this other guy I was dancing and hanging out with after we set off back into the crowd after bombarding him on stage that evening!

Well so that was that. I was given a business card and a little badge of The J***** so I went and liked them on Facebook. From that P*** later added me, that was the start of our contact!

My First and Last Love

        Okay let me start a brief intro and catch up on what has been preoccupying my heart and mind for the past year.

I had a love that ended around 9 months ago. He was my first love and lover and my bestest of friends. We were together for 8 and a half years nearly 9 but the last few months of our relationship was cloudy so I wouldn't consider them part of that.

It was definitely great, a great adventure where I learnt a lot of things about myself, himself, others and general life of togetherness. We practically grew up together, a time of adolescence and I think that's what eventually parted us. We grew separately (in my eyes only as he always argues against this) as I think this period of anyones life is when you grow up as a person and develop self worth, understanding and knowing. 

We first met when I was 18 and he was 20. We had plenty of highs and lows and I never regret a single moment even the worst as it was our experience. 

GJ LOVE: 2002-2011

        We are still in contact... by email (how very formal). I try not to 'be friends' as I think it will be weird to be good friends and to know what we are up to, I don't want to create any emotional attachment with him that'll only create complications so best keep a distance. Who knows we might one day. It's over between us so I don't see why we have to. That's my reason and my decision on that maybe because I'm worried if feelings are still there it will only grow and make things more complicated which I don't want. Still to this day I think I made the right decision, I haven't missed him as such or gone into sudden depression which I was expecting to happen at some point but I've done well for the past 9 months and haven't had it yet so I guess I'm not heart broken!? I do miss the companion, being in love, laughing, arguing, going on an adventure with someone you care and love the most in your life. I MISS LOVE. I miss the happiness one person can give you and the pride you feel for making someone else happy!

We say hello or pour out our feelings or past thoughts to each other now and again because you can't just completely cut out someone who you have been intimate with and that close with for that long. So this I understand.

Anyway that's that. I said I will keep it brief. I'm sure I'll be coming back and forth on this subject of my first love now and again when I post something of relevance to it. There are just too much to mention if I were to paint you the whole story of my first love. It'll all come out eventually, bit by bit. 

What does LOVE mean?

I've experienced one true Love and that ended quite recently. That Love of 8 and a half years will always be my first and so far the only one. To me love completes you and only having understood that in its absence.

Young Love: me and G**** here only a few months being in-love.

Just came across this... What does love mean, described by 4-8 year old kids.
I find this post really sweet and reminds me again how I love a child's mind, its innocence, this is when thoughts and feelings are still very pure. Unfortunately as we grow older we go through the bad experiences in life where we just learn to live with it. That's when as an adult it over shadows our innocence, our feelings and thoughts get complicated and we forget to just be straight forward and honest.

The day I poured my heart and thoughts to someone whom I met only on 3 occasions. It was strong and deep felt at the time... now not so much. Maybe for me it still is and I'm just scared its unrequited, or perhaps they seek platonic love and I don't tick those platonic requirements? I don't know... the heart can be so naive!

I concluded my feelings that maybe one day... in another life time.