Why it all makes sense...

 

I Never Knew:

I was only 18

Still wet behind the ears

Still naked to the ways of Adam’s land

When from the gates of heaven

With beauty in your eyes

You came to turn this boy into a man

It started with a friendship

That blossomed with the trees

And ended in a kiss behind closed doors

Until the night it happened

On my brother’s kitchen floor

You smiled and said ‘I’ll be forever yours’

You taught me I should lift the seat

To comb my hair and wipe my feet

To rinse around the bath when I was done

To pick my dirty socks up

Clean the dishes in the sink

Who knew domestic life could be such fun?

But I never knew the day would come

When you’d disappear just like the setting sun

I never knew there’d come a day

When you’d turn your back on me and walk away

We lived in different cities

But all young lovers know

That distance really does not mean a thing

Come summertime or winter

The sun would always shine

The flowers always grew and birds would sing

We savoured every hour

And cherished every night

Sleeping face to face and hand in hand

And I guess it’s fair to say

That you soon had your wicked way

And turned this little boy into a man

You taught me how to tidy

Load the old washing machine

Hang clothes upon the airer there to dry

The grandest transformation

That the world had ever seen

Enough to make a fully grown man cry

We toured the world together

Mozambique out to Japan

Learning local greetings as we went

We settled in an ashram on the coast of Koh Pangan

Even gave up intercourse for lent

We flew back into London

For the wedding of a friend

And thought we’d stick around a year or two

But golly gosh it soon was clear

That our feelings had turned queer

Ah you detested me I hated you

And you taught me how to curse and spit and growl for England

Taught me how to be a scally and a bum

‘Til I fell prey to the bottle

Where I tried to drown my sorrows

In a lethal mix of whisky, coke and rum

‘Cos I never knew the day would come

When you’d disappear just like the setting sun

I never knew there’d come a day

When you’d turn your back on me and walk away

___________________________________________________

 

The cause of heart ache that he has endured.

Realisation

Just to say I woke up this morning, started thinking about the whole thing with JP and I had this sudden profound realisation that I knew and understood what my purpose was and it made me joyous and even fought back a tear. I was nervous about it.

Oh my gosh hahahahaaaaa
My mum just came in from work and my dad then mentioned no one won the euro millions again so its a roll over and he said he only had one number. Instantly that caught my ear and I asked which number and he said 33!!!!!!!

Anyway he then continued to say that the lucky numbers were 6 & 9 without me asking. And as I've just typed that I see ying and yang.

Closure or Chapter 2?!

Well I finally told him my feelings. After a long email from both us opening up I now have profound affection and compassion towards this man, I am sooo glad I have approached him in such a way.

Now in terms of curing my limerence, maybe yes his answer by having said "I have no feelings for you in a romantic way. And I know I never will." perhaps cured that a litlle but everything now has shifted to the level of compassionate/spiritual love.

But am I mad in thinking that I feel a strong possibility that we are each others love/soul mate etc or I feel I'm there to enlighten him and that I shouldn't give up. I'm just wondering what level of awareness is he experiencing!?! Are these mad thoughts the symptom of limerence??

It is so hard to decipher my feelings towards him or just my state of emotions because I am highly aware of things conciously but also a high unconcious level is also giving me signs that I don't fully understand yet!
The past year and a half I have gone through some sort of spiritual development both intentionally and unintetionally, I know I've always concidered myself to be more self-aware than most but this is another entity.

Perhaps I've been over analising all the signs such as the number 3. I really don't know what its saying but it has strongly been present in a lot of things for the past year (i'm not going to go into all of the signs- but some have been very strong) and that JP is also 33 years old is another weird coincidence.
Anyway...
Oh my gosh hahaa.Well :) I've just had a very funny coincidence with the number 3 again juussst now right this minute!! hahaa now I'm just finding this funny. I'm not even kidding...
Okay so first let me say whats been happening whislt I was writting my reply to JP earlier this afternoon I wanted to listen to some music on youtube and couldn't decide what I was feeling musically then I remembered being told to listen to Jeff Buckley so I searched him and I was instantly attracted to his cover of Hallelujah which was beautiful. Listened to that and was drawn to the recomemded videos I had on the side which were Love Lost (reminded me of my blog, which is also the title he'd have for the exhibit of his buttons!),  Last Goodbye (possibly this closure? My friend used those exact words to ask my thoughts about this current sitution and I said "I'm not sure depends on his reply") & Grace (my second name). All of which had a strange link to what I was doing at the time.
Anyway the next song I listened to was The Temper Trap- Love Lost...




This song says my feelings I want to say to him, It is beautiful and precise. And I've never come across this song before now and to have at this moment is very coincidentally strange, I love how things falls into place and I take them all as signs. Now just going back to the weird sign I experienced just a moment ago. I wanted to know the lyrics to this song so I went onto one site and on the page an advert on the side flashed the number three right infront of me and this was right after I was just typing how weird I've had the number 3 as signs!! And as I read the lyrics it gave me slight chills.

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
Our love was lost
And hope was gone

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
And if you flash your heart
I won't deny it
I promise

I promise

Your walls are up
Too cold to touch it
Your walls are up
Too high to climb

I know it's hard
But I can still hear it beating
So if you flash your heart
I won't mistreat it
I promise

I promise

Our love was lost
In the rubble are all the things
That you've, you've been dreaming of
Keep me in mind
When you're ready
I am here
To take you every time

Oh, our love was lost
Lost, lost, lost, lost
Our love was lost
But now it's found

Confessions

Date: Thu, 27 Sep 2012 14:49:24 -0700
From: me
Subject: Hey...
To: jp

How are you? I hope you've been keeping well.

This may come as a surprise to you. I hope it is a nice one, my intentions with it are. :)

First I must apologise for my last text message to you, it was a little harsh but a true reaction none the less. I was pretty annoyed at the time and having had a long week I was more edgy than usual and truly was just looking forward to seeing and cuddling you that evening.
I don't know what it is that you have over me or what I have for you that I get but something is definitely there. I am in limerence over you and I don't really know what it entails but I know life is too short to live with unspoken words. So here is my confession.

I know this is delayed because of my fears, like most of us those are the fear of my ego being shattered by rejection and the thought of being mocked was too daunting so instead of facing those and learning how to deal with them I've dwelled on those fears and negative thoughts but nothing good has come out of it so here is a change of heart and perspective. Well I'm at least overcoming those just by forwarding you this letter so I hope you take it with compassion. I much prefer to be straight than knowing I have treated a fellow man with wasted doubt and energy for no reason. And upon reflection it isn’t nice to live and treat others that way anyway. I know this will be a lot to comprehend so I don't expect to get a reply too soon, so feel free to take your time but I would really appreciate one.

There are a lot of things I want to say, about me, my thoughts, my feelings and understanding about you. And I truly say these words honestly and sincerely so please heed them well. I want to mention first a couple of things that have upset me in the past or what I find frustrating from this whole situation.
So after just over a year of knowing little about you the main thing that does irate me is your lack of awareness in certain situations or mainly the way you act evasive to things that are said and done and you become all weird, perhaps those are just down to your shyness and your way of dealing with things but it isn't a nice way to treat someone or a good way to go about things. We all come across situations that might be a little uncomfortable but the worse thing to do is be ignorant about it, it becomes unresolved and in my case with you it leads to more distrust. I don't appreciate being misled intentionally if you have ever done that as I felt at times with the things you have said they don’t add up and I've learnt not to trust so easily from my past experience with something similar but I don’t know your side of things that makes you act that way so I know not to judge or assume so easily either.
I am also guilty with certain things when I think about it as I can see how those acts of mine may have come across to you. And I regret having done them wrongly and not making my intentions clear. Hopefully I can make them so in this letter. I try not to be too judgemental and jump to conclusions but there are many things that led me to think you are not that truthful so that’s why I haven’t been completely open to you and from that came my suspicions of your honesty and intent. That is also why I have only let you in on a very small part of me which frustrates me because I want to know you more than what we have of just having this strong sexual chemistry and use each other for it. Maybe these are also what you’re feeling and thinking!? It would be nice to hear from you and your side of things after this as I know there is much more to you and inside that head of yours. And I sense something far more meaningful from you too but I’m seriously the worse person to be hinting to as I can never read things unless spelt out! In a way I can be a little oblivious when it comes to that, like its some sort of defence mechanism.
I am very open and I try to be aware to things and I’ve been told that one of my good traits is being able to understand and I’m not here to boast honestly ;) so please what ever it is you’ve been trying to tell me or what you want to say now I’m open and accepting to them, I don't want us to have any ill feelings and misunderstanding. I hate to leave things on a bad note. Who knows we may even have a lot in common!

A few things you need to know about me that you might have misread wrongly. One and foremost, I never made it clear to you that the relationship I once told you I had ended before we slept together. In fact that was a good 2/3 months before us happened. So I hope you don’t think I’m that sort of person to cheat on somebody. I really liked you to begin with but I was aware my relationship then was unstable so I questioned whether my feelings towards you were true or just merely me reciprocating to my emotional need for any given attention by someone else.
Then you started sending or saying nice things to me such as the lovely poems and compliments and little other things you've done which I never thought anything much from to begin with as I said I don’t like to jump into conclusions nor am I good at reading signs of affection. After mentioning these to a couple of friends they tell me that those were clearly signs that you liked me. Well the idea passed my mind but then I thought you can’t have as you would have said it to me straight and in my face right? I was also told that not everyone is good with their approach so then with that in mind I started to think back to all of those things that I was oblivious to and questioned whether you truly meant them. But on the other hand what didn't help was that you were quite cold and lacked chivalry at times so from that I felt you didn’t care and the rest didn't mean a thing. I don’t know, my whole understanding may be completely wrong here. That’s why I’m asking you these things to hear your side as it shows I care and it matters to me. I do really like you, I have never said it because of all of the uncertainty mentioned above. I’m not good with receiving compliments as you know so I instantly doubt them and brush them away which don’t help in situations when the giving end might have trouble in saying them and my reaction may have come across cold even though my true feelings are far from that.

So if those hints were true then I’m sorry for having no clue. I also know it is partly my fault by having trust issues, as I had experienced a fair bit of dishonesty during that period I was naturally guarded from it all. I just hope you are being/can be straight with me. I don’t know what you’ve experience in your life in matters of the heart but we all need and want to be loved and I have a lot of love to give that I wouldn’t mind giving some to you…
if you let me and that the feeling is mutual of course. :) If not then please say so and I’m also good with that then I'll move on.

I have one major confession and apology to make, it is that I started by leading you on perhaps in the assumption that we could be together but I wasn't sure myself what I wanted so that created mixed signals which I know didn't help. At some point I decided to only have fun, keeping it on a casual/sexual bond between us until you told me about your celibacy and I felt somewhat responsible for being your temptation and my conscience kicked in. I started to back away, that was my way of respecting your decisions but you became my temptation too. I have never lied to you only that I haven't been straight. But for sure I liked you and still do.

So from my side those nice little things you’ve done, with that you are talented in what you do and have a beautiful voice to listen to and that you are also oddly sweet and sensing a dark side of yours all equates to my attraction towards you. Sounding silly and cringey as I read that back but that is the truth Pete. I like you quite a lot for reasons that are weird and unexplainable. Including things that have been so coincidentally strange but I take them as some sort of signs.

Another thing about me, yes I have a lot of friends including males.
I am the type to socialise and I also like to maintain them but that is all. Again I feel that may have come across as something else and admitedly vice versa I've been suspicious of you. It is actually a rarity for me to develop genuine feelings for anyone.
And yes I do have a high sex drive but it doesn’t mean I sleep around. You are still my last lover and I have enjoyed having that with you but it would be nice to have something beyond that. So I guess these are what I’ve been meaning to say to you for some time now specially on that day/evening when I built my courage to come visit you but you disappointed me by turning me away so naturally I was very annoyed. I don’t know what your real reasons were then but I felt your decision was very rude. May I ask what you really thought was going to happen?

Oh and also just to explain myself in sending you that song Love Love Love, the words were befitting to how I felt about you but what I also meant from it was that because of how you were treating me at the time, the complications and the state of my mind was not clear I couldn't Love specially when I felt you may have had those feelings towards me. That was the hidden message.
So now I'm wondering if we can move on from this feeling of rut, seriously I hate falling out with people it's such a wasted energy so I'd like to start afresh with you. I hope I have made some things clearer at least. And it feels good to have finally said all of these to you.

Now smile because I think I love you.
:) <3

From: JP
To: me
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2012 8:59 AM
Subject: RE: Hey...

Hi J****, I think it is good that you wrote that letter.

First of all I need to say I am sorry. I am nearly always aware of how I act and treat people. Sometimes I know I should be acting one way and I act another. Unfortunately I have behaved badly (unintentionally sometimes) towards girls on and off for the last 4 years ever since I split from my ex. It has not been fair on me or the other people I have dragged into it. I am specifically sorry that on a couple of occasions I arranged to meet you, knowing that you probably liked me and wanted something to happen between us, even though I did not, and that was inconsiderate.

I don't feel like I have been dishonest with you, I don't think I have ever told you things I did not mean, but I could have been more true to myself and this mess could possibly have been avoided.

Around the time I met you I was looking for someone to be with, and that's why I kept in contact with you and arranged to go out with you a couple of times. But I was so messed up I didn't know what was best for me, and that was that I needed to be alone and sort out my own issues.

I do not have any feelings for you in a romantic way. And I know that I never will. I am not sure what to do for the best regarding where we go from here, but I do know that me and my ex have tried to be friends and keep in contact over the past 4 years and it has been destructive for both us, mainly because for so long I still had feelings for her and she did not for me. The greatest favour we did ourselves was to cease all contact, and I think that is probably best for us. I know that seems cold and maybe even selfish but I honestly think that all the time you harbour feelings for me it is for the best for both of us, we would not be able to have a genuine friendship with those feelings bubbling under the surface.

I have had a shit time of things recently and it has all been self inflicted. I know what is best for me now though and that is to keep myself busy with the things I love, God and music. When we do this, everything else falls into place and it will for you too.

I still have those gloves for you, and it seems a waste to throw them in the bin, if you give me your address again I will post them to you ( I deleted all numbers and messages off my phone the other week).

Please know that I am sorry. But I have learnt that it does no good to hanker after someone who does not feel the same way, I wasted a lot of time and energy, and shed a lot of tears over my ex, and it was all for no purpose. So please don't waste any on me. You will find someone who will love you back as much as you love them.

Take care and God bless

P***

From: me
To: JP
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2012 6:48 PM
Subject: Re: Hey...

Hi P***

Thank you for your honest reply and your apology I appreciate it a lot.

I am sorry to learn about your ex and how that has greatly affected you. I could sense you were in a lot of sorrow and it does take a lot to overcome it. Time is a great healer as they say but please don’t prolong it by inflicting more pain.

I also had my share of heartache so I can relate, a relationship I had of 8 and a half years was hard to let go but as I learnt and realised to focus myself towards those who loved me and the things I loved they gave me strength and I got over it which helped a great deal so you are on the right path.
With my ex we knew remaining as friends was not a good idea even though I wanted to so badly because I couldn't see a life without him. We had such a strong bond and after a long history with someone like that it was hard to completely cut them off. Making that harsh decision was the best way we knew we could have moved on, being strong was the challenge. And I think it worked, there were times I'd wish it was all different but thinking it that way was not gonna change anything so instead I am grateful for everything we’ve experienced and I would never change a thing even the very low points in our relationship. Because I learnt a lot from it.

I’ve never actually said that to him perhaps I should do.
Now and again we’d email each other just to say Hi, Happy Christmas or New Year etc which is nice but I also find it odd as our approach to each other now can be very formal considering the intensity we once had in our past. I still very much have respect and care for him and I think that’s a healthy relationship.

I see you have a lot of qualities that are great even more so than a lot of people I know, it would be a shame if you keep shutting yourself from them so do spend your energy emitting that true self of yours, it is the best thing to do and then you can be true to others.

Of course I find it a shame to know you have no romantic feelings for me as I have developed them towards you, I wanted to check if it was mutual so I know how to take it further. And from all of this I hold no resentment towards you I want you to know that.
I still love you in an admirable/affectionate/spiritual way and this is not at all a waste nor pain for me. We have to care for each other in all sorts of ways in this world and those people around us who bears that quality are the gift in someone’s life.

It would be great to receive those gloves; I found three in the past week I think the first time since spring!
My address is…
------------------

------------------

------------------

I also have some buttons I’ve been meaning to send a long time ago I’ll send those over to you. I do still find so many... I guess they are like tokens of affection that you collect and keep. I now understand your title.

Likewise I also know you will find someone who will love you back as much as you love them. Just keep an open heart.

I’ve taken on everything you’ve said and to a certain point I agree, I think its best to not carry on with how we were. But I think its silly if we cut each other out completely, I know nothing from my side will hurt me by being just friends with you but I will be keeping my distance. My experience with you is not the same to your ex nor am I the same person. We are still very much in search of self discovery and that should be our focus. You will understand yourself and how to fit-in in this world and ultimately with others.

I will take care of myself, thank you.
You take care of yourself too and all the best with your music.

J******-G****

x

I am not alone...

For the past week I have spoken to friends that are all caught up in a similar situation as I am so I shared mine further and more in depth to what I've previously been telling them. As we talked and assessed our emotions I started to wonder what this all meant and tried to understand it in a physcological way so then as I researched on love and emotions I came across the term Limerence!

This helped explain everything! So I definitely am going through that.
I've been reading about it a lot and there is definitely different levels of symptoms and different levels at how bad you are in the limerent state.
From my understanding you've to take different factors into account to access how deep the victim has fallen, this greatly depend on the situation the sufferer or the Limerent Object is in and also their mental state in self belief and worth can play a big role in someone being more susceptible. I think with the latter the stronger you are to bear that the better you are at overcoming... maybe, I'm hoping this is the case with me so I can deal with it.

Anyway I'm glad I have gained this knowledge because it has helped me form an understanding/awareness and acceptance. Then hopefully I will find my closure and move on. This is the first time I've ever experienced this emotion that's why I was a little overwhelmed.

From learning about limerence I also notice I think JP is a sufferer?! This is why I'm annoyed and get frustrated with all his hot and cold behaviour and his emotions that are sometimes a little dramatic around me, I never understood these random actions until now that I'm doing comparisons to this so called disorder. So it can only suggest  he is in limerence over me.

Having read some information online, one here is from wiki...
"Fantasies are preferred to virtually any other activity with the exception of activities that are believed to help obtain the limerent object, and activities that involve actually being in the presence of the limerent object. The motivation to attain a "relationship" continues to intensify so long as a proper mix of hope and uncertainty exist."
There are many aspect why I think he is, the most prominant is his hot and cold behaviour towards me. Hot in terms of him arranging a meet up, heavy flirting where we've exchanged sexual arousal and fantasies, making conversations to get my attention for example he'd only call me to tell me a story, ask my help, opinion in something that are always based around my interests. Cold in that the last minute he would cancel meetings, would turn me away if I suggest something or contradict himself later on with those actions mentioned above so of course after a while this just annoyed me.
So going back to that qoute he is trying to create "activities that are believed to help obtain the limerent object, and activities that involve actually being in the presence of the limerent object." but what I don't then understand is why cancel on me? It's so annoying. At first I just thought he is a horrible person but if he is in limerence then that would explain the cold behaviour, as extreme sufferers also experience fear.  Who knows but I shall get back to this assessment as I need to go to bed and it's early hours of the morning already!!

Now I know he is shy and I can sense deep insecurity that's why I have never fully confronted him about this or I find myself walking around eggshells.
I now see our bond is one that is limerent to limerent. Hmmm, anyway I have been meaning to approach this in a way that won't make matters worse. I'm aware of some possible outcomes and the one I'd like from this shows a warning below...
"Lastly, those relationship bonds in which there exists mutual reciprocation are defined as limerent-limerent bondings. Tennov argues since limerence itself is an "unstable state" that mutually limerent bonds would be expected to be short-lived; mixed relationships probably last longer than limerent-limerent relationships. Some limerent-limerent relationships evolve into affectional bondings over time as limerance declines and such couples are described by Tennov as "old marrieds" whose interactions are typically both stable and mutually gratifying."

If I were to make a relationship from this I do wonder where it'll entail it all depends on how he reciprocate I suppose, his awareness and understanding of everything.

Love has a high frequency thus making a more complex pattern.
This is why love is never easy to decipher but creates higher senses and awareness...

Well this morning I finally said those words in written format unfortunately it wasn't uttered face to face but the circumstance we ended up in weren't the best! it kinda sadens me but hey ho I have said them so at least he knows but to what extent i don't think he'll ever understand.

We had our usual skype session. Funnily i just got out of shower and whilst clossing my windows i heard a bing and thought i was my friend Sam as I told her give me an hour as I'll be showering etc but to my surprise it was JP, we had a nice lil chat before it turned sexual again. Then we agreed I'd go over to his. I really wanted a cuddle and mybe a kiss or two as I've had the most stressfull week and wanted some sweet company.
Anyway it turned sour in the end as I finally showed my annoyance at him. Obviously it didn't sound nice he didn't take it well.

DIRT: part ??

Spoke just now on skype after a few weeks not doing so as usual it turned sexual and I enjoyed it. He turns me on so much and he showed himself and I refused mine but I sent him a pic of me when I finished myself off with my toy cock/rabbit.
Be warned the following can be explicit...

Our relationship is now based on  just having this strong sexual chemistry...
"I need to go do my exercises....it's the only way to burn off sexual energy...and I have too much of that these days haha" He says. Well so much for his celebacy.
Me:   plenty to share around?
JP:   ha why are you asking for some?
Me:   hahaa no
       I am sexually frustrated but that's my own fault and choice
JP:   same here
       sounds like if we had sex it would be pretty wild then ha
       two frustrated people getting what they want = mayhem
Me:  hahaa stop it. I'm starting to get turned on.
JP:  I already am ha
Me:  i think i need to go soon if we continue talking about this.   
       you are bad Mr M****! i thought you're being good.
JP:  I wanna see your p**** on skype now but then I'll just want to
       f*** you
       I am being good. I think.
Me:  hahaa oh my i wouldn't mind being f****d by you
JP:  it's been so long.....I'd do it really slow
       well if you came here now we could do everything else :)
Me:  i so want to do it with you in the open air
       you know i cant!
JP:  I'll open my window wide ;)
Me:  hahah
       i'm so turned on right now
JP:  soz I thought you said you were't really working so thought you
       were kind of free
Me:  no i should get to work now really i musnt delay any further
JP:  ok
       I really wanna see your p**** and show you my d*** but I
       think it'll just be torture and leave me unsatisfied haha
Me:  can you just show me yours :)
JP:  hmmmm....doesn't sound much like a trade to me
       ha
Me:  i'll send you a pic of me coming all over my dildo ;)
JP:  if you strip to your bra and knickers now I'll show you
Me:  i don't have anything on apart from a baggy t-shirt!
JP:  oh wow even better
       fuck I want you so bad now

Anyway we continued until we had our share of pleasure. We can be so filthy and I miss our times of just doing that. There were plenty of this before and even dirtier. I do wish we had more than this but I don't think it works so it'll just be a...