My dreams belong to Sam Toule

Oh another poem he sent me. I do wonder how many other girls he actually sent this to or am I a special one?! (I like to caress my ego at times)...
With all the lovely things he sends I haven't gone falling for his loaded lines.

The name is an anagram. Can you guess what it is?

Anonymity? What for?

Okay so now I am seriously a lil annoyed with people that treats people crap so naming and shaming will do some good and y'know they deserve to learn some lesson here. I may regret revealing this later at some point but I am just quite annoyed so I am ranting to vent my frustration...

This man I have been talking about is Peter Moore aka Jimmy Rey aka JP.

I don't know what is wrong with this guy but my pet hates are people who plays ignorance and who are deceitful. With JP who I think pretends to be all religious and go to church to get girls. 'Black girls' at that as he told me once he has a thing for them and that he randomly adds them on Facebook and messages them! At first I thought is this guy for real?? But then yes, it would seem so because I have had two revelations of this. He does this perhaps with charming words and poems in hope that he will get them in the bag at some point. Unfortunately I became one of his victims but.... hmm complicated I think I had him too!? As I haven't exactly been the angel but I have in no way been deceitful, I may have held back certain things from him which I don't know why I have but I think it was just my instict to say 'be careful at being too open with this guy' so I have been very guarded!

He talks about being a vegan, straight edge, loving of all animals, loving of god and makes you feel special by doing and saying things like
"Keep this as a secret as I haven't told anyone else"
"I'll cook for you specially, I only made it for you"
"I wrote this song that I want you to listen, you'll be the first one to hear it"
and when it comes to actually treating his fellow human kind he does nothing but be deceitful and then plays ignorance towards you.
I wonder how many others he has played with... please if you ever come across this blog and know of this man and have experienced similar things please comment I would love to hear your stories!! Or even if he is actually nice and I'm just wrong!! And not just ladies I'd like to hear from but also friends of his perhaps.
In terms of his 'womanising' ways I think he has treated a few (or much more) like this as there are a few suspicious comments on Facebook that completely contradicts his words and actions.
Don't go fooling me JP. I'm not some 18 year old that can easily be played and forgoten about! I do see him and that is the most unfortunate thing is that he does not see me and perhaps what I can give.
Friends say "he doesn't deserve you" so I shouldn't tell him how I feel. Ah yeah... oh well.

Anyway back to my annoyance, the situation is that he calls and messages you with lots of nice things and shows a lot of interests but only privately and never publicly. He acts all cold as if you are just an acquaintance in front of people even after some really private and intimate messages and flirting and having been intimate with him etc but when it is just the two of you, he is all into you! Now ladies and gents, is that or not a sure sign from someone who is a player?!

"I'd like to be her pillow case the saddle on her bike,

The mirror in her bedroom as she gets undressed at night.

The corners of her smile, the belly of her laugh,

The surface of the water as she slips into the bath.

The treasure at her finger tips the sand between her toes,

The diamonds in her ears and the suncream on her nose.

I'd like my name to be the word that's on her tip of tongue,

To know my mobile number is the one most often rang.

Her favourite song, her favourite line, the note she'll sweetest sing.

But most of all to be her man, her world, her everything."

Jimmy Rey (The Jacobs)
aka JP Charmer

Received August 2011.

Weird JP

Also last night he texted me.

"Hey hope you had a good weekend! You're not pregnant are you?"

What!? Why!? We last slept together months ago! I would have been grown up enough to have mentioned it if it was the case. I wanted to ignore him but then I thought that would just be silly or say.. 'I think you're checking with the wrong girl here!' but again that would lead to further conversation which I didn't want so with my still annoyance and disappointment in him, keeping it short and sweet I just said

"Yes. Nope."

"Good. Good." was his reply.

Fifteen minutes later he adds

"I'm very tired, had a festival but was good fun! What did you do?"

I knew they performed at The Lounge Festival and I'm sure they had fun and I'm glad to hear he did but I didn't want to know more really as I feel he just wants the attention from me. I'm sorry but he can seek that with others. He only chats to me when it suits him and ignores me when I get in contact- YES ANNOYING!! What is that?

So I replied back half an hour later

"Oh good to hear it went well! Friends, meetings, work etc no rest so now I'm tired too. Goodnight."

Last I heard from him was Wednesday to just say thank you for the buttons which he knew I was making my way to his that evening to drop them off but he did not even invite me in after all that way! That story is >here.<
Actually no it was Friday morning his previous contact when he said
"Button found sweet."
I didn't reply.

General stuff & Four Leaf Clover

Yesterday being a Sunday I spent the afternoon with a friend for tea by the canal and briefed her on my JP situation and how annoyed I was. Not only that, I was also returning her laptop she kindly let me borrow as mine malfunctioned.
C******** tells me that he was totally rude but also thinks he might be scared. Scared of what?!
"I'm not trying to be on his side but I just don't understand it! If he acts all nice, says all these things, sends all these poems and still having you around showing interest then why does he act that way??"
"He's just weird!!" I explained.
"Hmm, he is isn't he!?" Christina agreed.
She knows this because she's experienced his weird 'social disability' (as I call it).
He added her on Facebook and yes they've met once when I took her to one of his gigs but after a few messages his last messaged was
"oh cool, I was just thinking about some old photos I took in Thailand while watching this" 
of which he attached a video link of Eckhart Tolle- The Dao De Ching talking about life and awakening etc which personally I find the subject of this talk quite interesting but not Eckhart he creeps me out.

"My thoughts are my saviour"

Tea and dessert at Towpath Cafe

Afterwards I went to have a meeting with A**** who funnily enough is my friend's other half, well ex other half, the couple who I've mentioned had just recently split up after 7 and half years!! It wasn't awkward at all for me to meet him seeing that S** is one of my best friends. They are at this heartache stage of their break-up so I understood and I'm not biased to either side. We spoke about it of course giving my advice and keeping it mutual because we were all in long term relationships I could somewhat advice from my experience.

We met to discuss a project where I'm helping him with design so more tea and dessert had. Caught up on what he's been up to jetsetting around Europe etc. He's lucky he has all that to distract him whilst S** is on her lonesome away from home and friends. Oh come to think of it she's actually travelling a bit so that should keep her distracted and need to skype date with her soon to see if she is okay and keep her updated on my 'love' situation!

Well as we finished our meet at Beyond Retro Cafe we made our way and stoped at this one shop called Pelican and Parrots, hahaaa funny thing. As I was browsing I saw this shoe paper weight on top of a small pocket like book. I was interested in what it was so as I moved the paper weight from it I was greeted with an engraved cross on the leather cover so it was a black sacred pocket book...

It reminded me of JP of course and then when I opened where the bookmark was...

there was a lucky four leaf clover!

This is funny because when I dreamt about him last (read here) it involved a four leaf clover. And how the next day of that dream as I was waiting for my friends by Camden Town Station a woman standing next to me had a four leaf clover on her phone screensaver! So I interupted her, explained my weird approach and reason for doing so and why I wanted to take a photo of it...

Lovely Spanish lady she was. We chated for a while as our set of friends were all late. Says she grew them at home.

"Where's that?" I asked.

"In Madrid. This is my home." as she pointed at the picture.

"You grew them?!?" from this reaction I was more saddened that she was defeating its 'one of a kind' speacialness.

"Yeah you can buy them at this shop near Madrid and they grow like this. I've never seen them sold anywhere else before. Only at that shop."

So I enquired about it if they have a website I could buy from.

"I don't know, maybe... check. If you want I can send you some!"

"Aw that'd be so cool!! Yes pls!"

Anyway we swapped details I gave her my card but unfortunately that was the eve I lost my phone! So I'm hoping she will get back to me at some point.

She was here for 3 months she does performance and acting and works as a club promoter. I mentioned too what I did and chatted what we were up to that evening. They were going to watch the football match.

"I am so happy yesterday when Spain won four to zero!" she gestured with her fingers.

"I am a big football fan!"

Clearly she was.

I mentioned if she and her friend had time later they could join us at the gig I was attending. Her friend who lived in Camden arrived and was introduced, said our goodbyes. Shortly after my friends arrived.

A Friends Shared Heartache

My convo with a friend about our experiences with stupid men. This also showcases the sensitivities of being a women.

Me:
"Oh I'm glad you have and being honest is good (which I'm trying to do in my own situation by coming out with my feelings)! Hahaa I laugh at your comment about feeling good at telling him he was being a cunt! 

Oh dear S**, like I keep saying emotions are so funny and complicated. Guess what I did last night!?

I thought I'd be romantic myself and visit P***, but fucking hell that failed!! I was on my way and texted him...

"Guess what I'm on my way to see you!! Tell me whether I should turn back round or not..."

He tells me he needs an early night blah blah. Urgh!!! It was only 9:30pm! And I was only half an hour away.

Anyway that disappointed me. I got to his place anyway and gave his buttons through his letterbox! I could see his bedroom light was off so I didn't bother calling for him. Oh that he doesn't know what's good for him!

Quite disappointed really. And earlier today all he could text was 

"I got my parcel today... thank you very much for the buttons I can't believe how many they are!"

That's it!?? Really? 

Well we shall talk more about our funny stories with cunts on Saturday. I will be free to talk then. 

xx"

S**:

"Thanks for your email.

I actually managed to see O******* yesterday and I got my upset and disappointment out on him. I think that he is very much aware of his actions, but just doesn't know how to control them. He also is the type of person to live in the moment of something and get caught up, so his mind isn't straight with what he feels and what is right. Not that I'm trying to make up any excuses for him, but it is hard to just cut someone out of your life when they mean a lot to you, despite their 'fuck-ups'. In a way, if I can't move on in a positive way from this, then how would I expect A**** do to the same with him and I.

Anyways, as I always say, I can only be honest and open and tell someone how I feel, which is what I felt I did. Because as much as he is very aware of how much he has hurt me (by the way, I did tell him he was being a cunt, which felt somewhat good to do), I still want him in my life. I still want to hang out and speak to him and continue to have a friendship. But I also made it clear and said that I already find it very hard to trust people and in result to his actions, moving forward from here will now make me question how much of a level of a friend I can be with him. As in, for me to confide in him and be close enough to maybe be hurt again. So he is aware and hope that he does take it on board, which it seems he did.

And as for this other women he has been seeing, from what he has told me, he said he has not said anything to her. But she has been constantly questioning him and people that he hangs around with. And when mentioning my name, as of late, he hasn't denied anything, but he hasn't said anything either. So I guess, what my friend S*** has told me is that she has her suspicions but I don't truly think she is 100% sure, as nothing was every really confirmed on that front. So I am just not going to say anything to S*** anymore, as she is the friend in between the 2 of us and I don't know if I can trust her not to say or lead something on.

Well, I also just wanted to say thank you so much for being here in this tough time for me. I can't tell you how much I really appreciate you being around for me to talk to.

Let me know if you can speak on Saturday, as I'm flying out on the Sunday. XXX"

I'm very proud of my circle of friends, in that we can always confine in each other.

Attempting Romanticism and Avoiding Buttons

Okay well last night failed! Like I mentioned on my last post what the freak was I doing!?!


It was disappointing. Majorly disappointing!
So here is what happened...
I decided to grow some balls and thought this will be the time to tell him everything! Well that didn't go to plan, not even close! After pondering in the day I finally decided to make my way around 10:30pm.
As I made my way and half way in my journey I texted 
"Guess what I'm on my way to see you!! Tell me whether I should turn back round or not..."
Well basically he says no.
"Soz I need a good night sleep J****. I was in hospital Saturday morning still in lots of pain. Better to text me first especially if it's late :-)"
My first initial thought was... 'I thought you were getting yourself checked out in hospital on Monday when I tried to arrange a meet with you that was your excuse! D***h***.' and 'It's not even that late! You've called and wanting me much later before!"
As a nice person that I am of course I didn't say those so in return I said
"Pah there goes my attempt to be romantic! I'm nearby anyway. I might just drop something off but I won't disturb you."
No reply. The word 'b**tard' crossed my mind.

Well I stuck true to my words, I ended up going to his and I posted his buttons through his letter box which by then I realised I didnt have anything to put it all in so I sacrificed my see-through pencil case and so it was now there for the rest of his household to see!

The last set of documented buttons he will receive!

So my goodness all that way for nothing! As I approached his house I was naturally nervous. Whether to call him, make him aware I was there or not. I noted his bedroom light was off. For a moment I felt angry so I only passed by across the other side of the road and carried on walking towards the bus stop that would have taken me home. 
The bus came a couple of minutes later but I didn't hail it not even when it stopped for me I didn't get on! I thought 'you know fuck it, I should at least do something' so I walked back and as I crossed the road a lovely grey cat was sat on his front wall and greeted me with a meow (I love cats by the way and this made me happy!). I watched his bedroom window for a while but no use as I was very disappointed already so I walked towards his doorway and the cat kept me company as I fixed a few things in the dark whilst it was drizzling!! (Bloody hell how typically cheesy is this sounding!?- but seriously this is what happened!)
The cat just kept on meowing and there was me tryin to shhs it! Part of me really wanted the cat to carry on so JP could hear and for him to look out of his window intrigued and see me there in all my loved up glory!! But nay. Hhahahaaa no chance... romance is dead with him by the looks of it. 
I then wrote this which read...

"THE KEY TO HAPPINESS AND LOVE IS FREEDOM. 

I WISH YOU'D STOP BUILDING WALLS AROUND YOU SO YOU 

CAN EXPLORE THIS BEAUTIFUL VIEW!"

PS. Get well soon.


I pushed it through his postbox but making sure it got caught hanging on the flap as it would've made a hell of a noise if it dropped! And so I walked away with much disappointment. Said goodbye to the kitty cat. Wishing now all that time I should've taken a pic or two!


On my way home. I texted
"Just dropped some stuff off. Damn forgot a couple of lil things though. And a lovely grey cat who wouldn't keep quite kept me company. Goodnight. Sleep tight. X"
No reply.


This afternoon he finally replied!!
"Hi J***** :-) I got my parcel today... thank you very much for the buttons I can't believe how many there are!"
That's it??! Really!?!?
"You're welcome. Found 5 more today when I'm trying not to."
"Ah trying not do something only brings round more of the same!"
I didn't reply.


Anyway I've had time to reflect on it and now I'm still disappointed. 'Never mind' I said to myself 'at least I tried...'
But today buttons freaking kept reminding me!! A 15 minute walk from Royal Festival Hall to Foyles Cafe and back again I stumbled across 5 buttons which I have anally put together here....

Five is my best record in a day and if by chance I come one more by the end of today I would've beaten my record. On all the days that I have become disinterested in JP they pop up!
The first button I didn't take a pic but it was found on the stairs where I stood to take a photo of this installation and from that view point it says 'ASK WHY' which I thought was cool and never noticed before!
Also as I was taking my camera out of my bag to take a pic of one of the buttons and when I turned around to take a better angle I noticed another one where I was standing! This is an example of how great I am at finding buttons! They just pop up on my path!!
By the way I'm not usually this sad... I've never taken these many pics of buttons before. I happen to have had a free stroll and had my camera with me!!


Yesterday I found only one and it was a big red one which I forgot to add in the parcel that I gave to JP last night plus a few more including this little red one that was still in my oyster card holder!

Big red button

Small red button

I must be mad! I'm on my way home taking night buses after my failed attempt to be all romantic with JP. I wanted to visit him and pour my heart out but I was turned away! :-( Well kind of...


Oh dear I shall update more with details later. Can't get used to typing on a blackberry phone!