To The Man

Dearest lost child. I can no longer pretend and say with honesty that you will ever find your way home anytime soon. It has been my fault to play on the romanticism of what life is about and having given you so much free will and courage to the point that you have ignored the sign posts of the wise ones. For now carry on making your path but remember old ones are always there to guide you. Inquisitive yet a stubborn head, I can see you have a lot of learning to do.  Everything is right in this world so you have nothing to fear and there's nothing left for you to do so until you remember that I know you're not truly lost. I would like us to spend good time together so hasten a little and don't spend time wondering on your own. Let your heart guide you as I am still here where the part you have yet not explored.  

Your Mother, Nature

2nd tea meeting...

He wanted honey. 

Do I deny when things are calling. I have four things that governs my life. 
In no particular order...
Heart - Mind - Spirit - Universe

Mind and Heart are mostly in my control.
Spirit and Universe are almost the little miracles that comes across my way that I have little say on its course it acts as guidance or hints in life. 

Right this moment I am really happy being single, I want to be and I am and I'm enjoying it. Only lately I am getting lots of interests and actually being asked out! Universe is this to test me? 

I love your randomness. 

As I'm just updating this which I rarely do and at this moment JP whats app me "Got more gloves" ...interesting. Right on time to remind me he is there when I start to forget about him.

As this blog is about my heart experience I shall tell whats been happening.

In this particular stage of life I thought I'd only entertain those who I more than just like. So I had a 'date' with a lovely guy called A....... We never mentioned the word date as such but I was asked out for some tea after meeting him randomly a few weeks back at a fashion event, wanting to "make it up" to me for missing each other at this Converse event he invited me to and so not surprisingly we have a few people in common. We spent nearly four hours at this cafe chatting about each other, getting to know, family life and also Love! He is young- 7 years younger!! Haa Didn't think he was that young.

Very mature for his age though and freakishly tall. Another big gap between us. 

In our convo he says he likes older girls and petite girls- hint hint. Had some flirtation comments going etc etc but I think thats it... 

He told me he currently loves this girl in New York that went nowhere. I told him a little bit about my recent endeavour and my recent huge relationship that both ended no where.

One of the last subject we touched on was Signs- "how do you read signs?" he asked. We laughed and looked at each other both owning up that we are unwise when it came to this. I wanted to say "Is this whole situation here a hint we like each other??" but no.

He didn't say this either.

Anyway it was lovely and I don't know what to make of it as I never freaking know what to do when guys show interest because now I'm more guarded than ever!  

He is cute, aesthetically he is someone I'd go for, we shall see how this unfolds. :D

Button & Glove Exchange

Here are a couple of stories on my lost button / glove adventures.
A week or so ago I was on my way to stay over at my friends house, on my way there I found a glove at a station. I picked it up and went about my business and entered through the ticket barriers. The moment I was about to transcend down the escalators I hear a man voice out to one of the train staff "Sorry can you let me out again, I've lost my glove..." I quickly looked back and saw him holding the other pair to the one I just picked up!

My heart raised paced. I pondered what to do. Should I keep quite and keep the glove or give it back to him. Initial thought was to keep it but my morals kicked in and as I looked at the lovely grey argyle designed knitted glove my senses came to me and remembered why I started collecting them in the first place; that was because I lost two of my favourite pairs once and could only wish then that someone would have handed them back to me. 
So I waited down by the escalators for the man and as soon as he reached me I stopped him and asked "Sorry did you loose a glove?" waving the glove in front of him. "Yeah I did! Ah thank you! Where did you find it?" 
"Found it upstairs. I heard you looking for it earlier."
At this point I felt like I should explain myself to how and why I picked it up. I briefly mentioned my story and he just smiled at me perhaps with a little look of puzzlement, well he was just happy to have it back. He boarded his train, we smiled and waved each other goodbye. 
I was a little sad that I was one down but was mostly happy to reunite it with the owner and to make things even better at the bottom of the escalators I found a cute white baby mitten! So happy all around.

With all this excitement the first person I thought of telling the story to was JP. So a moment later as I got onto another station I started writing my text message to him and whilst standing next to an office staff room I quickly looked up through the window I noticed inside that there was a button sitting on top of the desk! OMG I thought I have to get that, this was exciting!!

Well I managed to get it :) when the staff came in I tapped on the window whilst he was on his phone and I signalled for the button. Without hesitation he gave it to me! Moments later he came out so I thanked him and he mentioned "It came off my trousers yesterday actually." 

"Ah cool, I collect lost buttons. Do you want to keep it then?" "Nah you can have it!"

Fantastic. Another one added in my little jar now full of buttons which is now with JP because I gave it to him a few days ago when we met up in Soho where I invited him to a small film screening of Still.

Oh and he gave me some gloves. Oh and on that day we met I found 8 buttons! Personal best record to date. Funnily enough I was hoping to find eight that day, coming across the last one whilst with him.

Change of perspective. Above was my previous heading. Since mentioning this blog to the one who is responsible for its very existence- it is no longer mystical. 
HIYA!
And the fact that I felt comfortable mentioning it meant I no longer felt embarrassed about how I felt as I knew it wasn't going anywhere so it was my way of saying 'this is how I truly felt about you.' and yes welcome to my insanely weird obsessive nature! 
Unfortunately my thoughts on this matter from now on will be hiding in the crevice of my heart. 

SO now I shall see how this heart of mine develops in the coming year. I have a lot of love still to give no matter how often it is drained or toyed with. "You're churning the wrong engine." was an advice from a friend. I think she's right. 
There are just so many beautiful things that are worth appreciating in this world that you can't help falling for- so why dwell and be disheartened with the bad.

Strangers becomes...

My life is defined by the people I meet along the way. I've had many random acquaintances, I have many friends but only a handful whom I consider great friends.
I've never been one who has had a strong bond with family, though I love them dearly I haven't had that connection with any of them and it's been like that since I was a child. I've always been the wanderer, moving from one place to the next. So them being far away I make it up with friends.

I have decided this journal will now be dedicated to those people I admire and all things I oddly love that comes across my way.

Last Thursday whilst waiting for a friend by Shoreditch High Street station I heard a busker playing amazingly well on his guitar so I was drawn towards the bridge where the sound echoed from and so as I peered around the corner I spotted where he was. So I decided to approach him and have a chat. His name was Miguel, from Spain and a philosophy uni dropout he said "I didn't like it, I wasn't feeling the whole thing. So here I am."

My friend was half an hour late so he didn't mind me keeping him company in the cold. I danced and tapped my feet a little and he earns a decent wage from busking saying he makes on average £40-50 a day and on good days £80! "Well you deserve it you are pretty good." I complimented. Anyway we swapped details so who knows where this stranger will take me.

My friend arrived and then this happened! haha

"Beam me up, Scotty." 

We finally headed for a quick meal and went to Hacketts opening event where they were doing hankerchief embroidery and guess what the lady there and then was doing...

Reminded me of a certain someone.
Also the other day I went to visit a friend and a very friendly cat followed me all the way down her road and we spotted a button!



A Heart of Stone

Ahh I've often thought what life really is all about.

These days I seek true hapiness... I think.

I am actually happy in general and for that I am grateful but my problem is wanting more. A wanting more is like a decease, a human condition that we all have, the desire of more. There always seems to be a void that we want to fill or fix. Sometimes I don't want materialistic things, sometimes I don't even want clothes to cover me I would give it all up for true freedom. I often don't want to work as I feel I do it for all the wrong reasons and I do so to fill that void as everything comes at a price, even a smile comes at a price.

Anyway true love is my current void. The need is ever more present these days as things have been reminding me of my past love and the joys one can bring. I have finally sent my letter and poem to show my appreciation to the man I onced loved and for all the things he has given me. I wonder what he'll say!

A HEART OF STONE

I was once soulless

No sign of sorrow, remorse or joy

I prided myself with a mind so stubborn

With my head I concurred all

Then love met me

It rode my ups and downs

The best or the worst

It's the biggest lesson learnt

For my ever patient tutor

To this day I thank thee

I gained romance, passion,

desire and affection

You drummed the sweetest beats of all

And my pulse grew ever louder

In awe of its presence

We learnt, lived and danced its ways

Made me soft, weak, tender

But as with all things it comes to an end

A lesson learnt dear

To have loved and be broken

beats the burden of a heart of stone

But I fear the stone has come back with a vengeance and has grown more stubborn! 

Also I saw this as I contemplated about life further and my head thought about everything it has to offer and the integrity of man in general and I questioned mine.

Fall of Man by Michelangelo

An old lady runs
knees creaking
hurting
breathless
yet she misses her bus
not that the bus driver did not see her
he rather not wait
watch her face fall
disappointed
thump
her heart falls
colliding with her stomach
a couple argue in the bus
playing tug-of-war with their hearts
until hearts tear, ripped out
destroyed, first one and then the other
nobody weeps but the starving children
sitting on the street
and you stand
watching
Caught between the chasm
between pleasure and boundless pain
Restless, dissatisfied
Guiltily pleased
Relentlessly saddened
as life throws one thing after another
you feel like drowning
Sympathy, helplessness
anger, a vapour that seeps through your skin
evaporating
infecting
you absorb
their pain, and emit yours.
You feel it deeply
and then let it roam free
like a lion
it roams around you
Shadows surround you.
Lights off.
You hit the switch.
Click.
Questions burnt
An emptiness rings a loud ring
echoing
in your head.
Is the sun rising or setting? You ask
There, where?
Is that the full moon or the setting sun?
Or an owl
lost.
Coo.
Lost, you are.
In a whirl of messy thoughts.
Poor posture
it all floats
not making sense
the television offers cheap entertainment
and cheap sounding jingles
you buy distraction
Hell.
The self wraps itself around the eyes.
Hugs your body tight.
Tight.
and then you take petty joy in suffering
like only a hurting vengeful soul would
love
adoration
loyalty
justice
all good things
become only words that float around you
What have you lost,
what have you gained?
What values do you hold,
which ones remained?
Look at pain
and smile
nonchalantly
you take joy
in another’s pain.
Living not for God,
unsure.
It ain’t the devil you were worshipping either.
Who knows.
Yourself.
Living for the self.
Self.
You try everything
use everyone
Exhaust all resources and then
you are left with nothing.
Nothing.
You smile your way through the day
by the end your smile stays plastered
yet
all you really did was lie
you joined the crowds
call the wolf bad
then your sheep clothing peels off
and you hide
Deny, deny, deny
denial becomes your expertise
then you lie through your teeth
whistle in the storm
The day ended
and you felt like you ended too.
die with a laugh plastered all over your mouth
perhaps today you reached hell
and realised
hell was not being covered waist high in pig waste
or being deep fried like a human wonton
You call out
and the echo it stabs you in the back
you see only blinding darkness
that is thicker than your winter jacket
you hang, in suspension
being neither at the top
nor touching the bottom
kicking and screaming
tired.
With
no perspective
no aims
no sense
no love
no hope
no dreams
no hate
no sadness
no feelings
no life, no death
no soul
nothing.
That is hell.
You look to your left.
To your right.
And there before you
in the chasm
hangs
one choice
one whisper
one shout
illumination
freedom
living might be what you had wanted all along.
You surrender
one yielding heart.
You start again.
living
Life.

(http://writersclubkl.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/thefallingman/)