Chapter C: The aftermath

The second date ended with these joys...

First Date with 23 C

So I'm on my flight to Seattle and I just started reading Fifty Shades of Grey which my colleague kindly forwarded me all ebook trilogy. I never had any plans in reading the books after its popularity that made it a world wide best seller and recently had its much anticipated movie hitting the box office. This book has had some women all over the world hooked on its raunchiness which has heightened women's sexual liberation to a bit of bondage. I've heard mixed reviews and the not so good ones that influenced my neglect in reading them are from my sexually liberated acquaintances on social media. 

I guess now it's making me want to pursue writing my eDiary more often because I can provide another insight to a woman's redez-vous with men.  I would not consider myself experienced in this field however, to be honest I don't want to either as that would be tethering into being a bit of a slut right!? 

The first chapter in the book introduces Anastacia driving to Seattle to interview Mr Grey. Haha I giggled to myself on the plane as its weirdly coincidental that I'm flying to Seattle right this moment. Not to meet and interview Mr Grey mind, but... oh how I wish I'm going to be whisked off by some handsome rich man on my arrival. Ha. Reality is quite different to any novels. But this here, is my reality. 

CHAPTER C : The Boy

Right now a couple of things to mention. I want to talk about my recent endeavor with C******. As I feel this has been my recent excitement and disappointment. And now I'm hoping a new excitement is around the corner... by the way I've had a recent match on Happn with this 'French smoothie' M***** who is some investor, start-up guy and upon doing a bit of online stalking he is quite accomplished in his field!! Ooh could he be my Mr Grey!?! Ha. A bout of excitement filled me when as soon as I liked him we became a match or a 'crush' in Happn terms. He is relatively good looking, rather. And my age.
"Entertain him. He's your age." prompted my friend F****.
"Forget about C******, he's still a boy." she added. 

I left it for a week because I wasn't sure where my interaction with C****** was leading, or not leading. Now that nothing has happened I decided to reach out to Mr M***** yesterday to say
"Hey, how are you?" 

Well since leaving London this afternoon I've had no reply! Hmm, okay. I noticed he had been online a few times since yesterday so who knows. Does this damn chat thing work anymore?! Or maybe he is just not into me. 

Anyway. I'll leave that for the time being. Nothing might result from it after all. 

So back to C****** and our first meeting. It was at Waterloo station and after a few exchanges of text on where and when to meet. I texted just before hand...

"Actually Waterloo is a big place so let's meet in front of platform 20 rail station. x"

"Cool see you in a bit." Was his quick response. 

I was heading straight from work and I managed to just get there on the dot. I managed to just be on time and see the clock station strike at precisely 7pm. As I entered the station from exit 5, I spotted him stood very tall and slender between platform 20 & 21 with his back against me. I swayed past people and wanted to playfully surprise him from behind but then I quickly changed my mind because there was a possibility it might not have been him! As I got close and about to get his attention he turned around and - voila! All smiles around.

"Hey!"

"How are you? Nice to meet you." Was synchronously uttered from the both of us. 

"Yeah finally!" I somewhat exclaimed. 

First thought 'Oh he is cute, more so in real life.' And secondly 'Nicely dressed too.'
He looked quite mysterious in all his smart casual black attire which also complemented my all black quite nicely. Oh my gosh he is tall! We gave each other a quick embrace. He lent down and I reached up. I wore my highest heels on this particular meet because I knew from his photos that he is tall as he was the tallest amongst his friends. I later learnt that he is 6 foot 4 inches tall. If in real life he happened to be your average height then it'd be quite disconcerting to say then that all of his friends would have been midgets. So my observation was rightly correct. Well done me. 

So we started to walk. I previously mentioned in one of my text "Let's just meet at Waterloo station at 7pm then walk there." I originally wanted to go to Sketch restaurant but we had to change plans and just see where we'd up around West End because I didn't book tables enough in advance. 

"So where are we going?" He asked 

"There's a restaurant that I want to try around Soho. It's Lebanese. Do you like any cuisine?"

"Yeah I'm good for anything."

"I wanted to go to this restaurant Sketch just off Regents Street but like I said they were fully booked so maybe we'll just go around the area and see what we fancy. I hope you don't mind walking." I added. 

"No, it's cool, I don't mind. Do you know where we're going?" He asked as I pondered for a second which exit to take. 

"Yeah. Let's take the scenic route." I gestured towards exit 7. 

As we made our way out. We chatted the usual "Did you just come from work?" 

"Yeah, I thought I was going to be late but thankfully I just made it on time." 

"What do you do? You do fashion right?" He checks. 

"Haha. Yes and no. My day job involves..." Blah de Blah

At this point I'm not going to narrate all our conversation, specially the personal ones, this will just reveal to much about us. Maybe I will elaborate more at some point. 

We went through towards the Shell building and down the stairs.

"Do you know where were going?" He checks again. 

"Yes, I do!" I thought boy don't worry, this is a turf that I'm very familiar with. 

So as we turned right around the corner we was greeted by the majestic lights of the London Eye and and we walked across the park which is always beautiful to be around in the evening. We then crossed over the Waterloo bridge walk way, Westminster side, which again if he paid attention this is a great spot to look over the River Thames and see both the Parliament and London Eye. At this point I think we were just busy conversing to even notice the scene but I think it's always nice to have beautiful surroundings to tantalize your subconscious.  

We chatted about this and that. Family, our background etc. 

"You have a bit of an accent. Where's that from?" 

"Haha. What does it sound like?!" I pretended to perplexedly asked. 

Unfortunately I have this annoying habit that when I become a little nervy I have a certain twang or accent when I speak. Urgh, I seriously don't know how this computes in my system! 

"A little bit Australian..." He pinpoints. 

"I think I do."
I lied! 'I think I do'?! What a reply. No- you do not!

"Well I have an aunt in Australia that I get influenced from or sometimes I get told I have a bit of an American accent or South African over the phone!" I blabbed somewhere along those lines whilst trying at this point to easily convert back to my normal British accent! 

So we walked and talked. He was so sweet when I was trying to adjust my coat and scarf he offered "Do you want me to hold anything?"

"Yes please, here.." I handed him my handbag. I thought my 'gosh he looks too cute holding that.' I kept my coat just hanging on my shoulder as I took back my bag and thanked him. He checked again "Do you want me to hold that?" 

"No, it's okay thank you." I made such a reply to obviously show my independence and that I can carry things myself! For a brief moment I thought about letting him but there was seriously no need to on this occasion. 

"Sorry, I just get too warm easily!" was my excuse from awkwardly adjusting myself. Which I do get warm too easily and did not want to start sweating instantly. 

So we crossed the river, walked past Trafalgar Sq, through Leicester Square where we almost lost each other within the crowds of tourist.

Around Trafalgar after talking about our families and background, I asked one of the taboo question. 

"So how old are you?" Already knowing the answer to this from his profile of course but I just wanted to make sure it's stated true because mine isn't, I'm a year younger on it.

"I'm 23."
And he quickly followed with "And how old are you?" 

"I'm 31."
We briefly giggled at touching base about our age gap.
"So you're an old bird!" He adds. I thought- Ha, the cheek. Yeah I know, C******, thanks.

We then walked through China town and into Soho. I was looking for Yala Yala restaurant which was at some small side street. During those moments I was engrossed with my conversation with him that I was loosing my sense of direction and I was adamant not to look at my phone map. I did eventually see the restaurant but it looked very busy outside and I did not want to make us queue up so I just changed the situation and said
"Okay, are you hungry? Let's just pick a place."

And we ended up at Bills restaurant which was okay in the end. 

We ate and shared a bottle of red wine. We spoke more about ourselves. 

"I want to be famous." He describes his ambition. 

"You do!?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Well good luck with that. I don't." I cheekily smiled at him. 

"I don't so much want to be famous. I want to be successful. Like Richard Branson." 
"I want to have a few villas by the time I'm thirty and have all my friends over." He smiles widely at the prospect. 

"Wow. You're very ambitious." I replied. Which I admire from such a young age. 

"I'd just like to be able to cater for my family when I start having one." 

Noted this to self and thought this is a great prospect. I see potential in this boy, haha!

I asked him more about his business start-up with his dad and something that he is currently having to sort out some legal issues with his previous employer.
"But I'm not overly worried about it."
He seemed somewhat reserved with going into more detail. 

"It's pretty boring stuff." He concluded. 

"It sounds promising." I looked at him with a wry smile and noting all this down. 

I also mentioned about my current work endeavours which is also very promising but I did explain to him about me taking a break from my fashion stuff because of a recent 'quarter life crisis'. I tried to amuse him on this which I'm not sure how he took it specially seeing that he has a very ambitious head and I wonder if he judged my nonchalant take on pursuing ambitious goals.
"I'm in no rush." I added. 

We had good eye contact and smiled a lot throughout. 

At one point, we were just starring directly at each other which prompted him to smile and say 

"What!?" 

"Nothing." I replied, widened my eyes, smiled coyly and looked away. 

He is certainly cute. I wonder what he thinks of me? Does he like me?

We had a banter about our age gap too which was refreshing. 

"What music are you into?" He asked. 

"Well, do you know this artist?..." I mentioned a few of my current favourites. He didn't know them apart from M.I.A.

"Ah yeah, she's the one who did Paperplanes?"

"Yeah but that's like her most commercial song that everyone knows about." 

As for the rest he hadn't even heard of them. Not even FKA Twigs to my surprise!  

He laughed. "No I haven't!"

"You need to check her out! She's pretty cool. I seem to just have all women in my playlist. I'm all pro feminist like that." I jested. He laughed. 

He mentioned a couple of things which is so terrible of me that I now have forgotten but I remember that he is into drum and bass and house music which I made a brief comparison to Michael.
He also mentioned a couple of groups

"I don't know them, sorry. Maybe it's way too modern for my years." I further jested.

So I couldn't finish my food, my appetite was ruined due to some butterflies taking up space in my stomach. Afterwards we decided to go to Sketch to go for some drinks anyway. 

"I think I actually have been there before with friends. It's quite expensive." He recollects. 

"I know they are a tad but the interior is so cool. They have a room that's all marshmallow pink; very West Anderson." 

But he didn't seem too keen.

"Hmm. I don't like that stuff, my parents like all that sorts." 

"What!? You have to, it's so kitsch! I love it" I tried my best to persuade him. 

Wrapping up our meal, our bill then arrives but he gentlemanly gestures he got it. 

"Thank you, that's very kind of you." I replied. 

"It's okay. You can pay for the drinks!" He cheekily responds. 

So out we came, he helps me put on my coat which he kindly took from me and placed behind his chair when we first arrived. 

We walked back to Picadilly Circus towards Regents Street. We stopped in the centre for a moment, he gazes up and admires the view. 

"Wow it's really nice here with all the lights!" 

"Yeah it is." I replied whilst also looking up at him. Geez J***, how cheesy. 

Y'know, London is a very beautiful city, there's always a corner somewhere that is quite awe inspiring. I personally love its mix of history and modernity. 

Well as we entered Sketch it was definitely a Michelin restaurant and bar. We went through the David Shrigley room with all its pink glory. I can't wait to actually be going there for lunch with S** when she comes for a short trip in May, who by the way is the reason I'm visiting California for the next couple of weeks. Funnily enough she was over in London just over a week ago on a business trip and my rendezvous with this C****** boy happened around then. I updated her of course and she was not impressed by my callous shenanigans, understandably so. Don't do it kids. It can be a very costly mistake so always put a cap on! That date I shall cover later.

Anyway, so we enter the restaurant. 

"Welcome guys." quipped the man at the reception. 

"Do you have reservation?" 

"No, were here for drinks." I replied. 

"Okay well, we have two bars. You can go to the Glade or hang in The Gallery or through there to the East Bar... Take your pick. Either one is good." 

"Great, thank you." 

As you go through the curtains you have the woodlands on your left which is The Glade and on the right was The Gallery so we went through there where Shrigley's work is present.

"There's a room right at the back that we went to last time and they had these amazing toilets. Let's go there." C****** ushered the way. This was the East Bar.

We went through these white perspex doors and you're immediately greeted by two cascading stairs from both sides that lead upstairs to the toilets that were made of large egg shaped cubicles which were randomly placed across the top floor. At first I didn't know these were the loos until I used them later on. Everything upstairs was white including the floor and stairs, it was very futuristic, in contrast the cubicles played out the sounds of nature. The one I used was as if you were in the thickness of the Amazonian Forest whilst doing your deed, it felt quite tranquil. 

So as you enter this back room, right in front of you is almost like a little private cove that you step down into.  It was dimmed lights which made it relatively dark, very contrasting to the outside, there was a mini DJ booth at the back and the mini bar is a lowered floor situated in the centre of the cove and all around it are the seating area. So we settled in one corner and ordered a couple of beers. There was only a few other people there. And yeah it was damn right expensive, £8 for a bottle of beer! After one of those I was beginning to relax and he relaxed too, we settled nicely into the sofa and chatted some more. At this point we had a bit more of a relaxed attitude with our bodies, I could have easily been tactile with him but something stopped me which was The Voice of Reason "Stop it J***, this is your first night out. Compose yourself, you're the grown up!" Ha right. We talked some more, I can't remember much on what we discussed here but we had only a couple of beers until we decided to head home. 

It was around 11pm at this point and we took the Victoria line together to Brixton, where he lives.
"I'll go there with you and take a bus home!"
I stated the fact that I was taking the bus home as I didn't want to make him think I'm initiating an invite. It was literally the best option for me to go home plus it would've been nice to spend more time with him too. 

So we sat closely side by side on the tube. At some point he made a comment about his hands. 
"I don't like my hands."
He held it up; it was very long and slender.

Yes, I know an innuendo came to mind, big hand equals.. y'know... but this is not always the case girls, from me and my friends experiences anyway!! Haha.  

"There's nothing wrong with your hands."
I assured him, but right there and then I found myself placing my hand on top of his. I think I just wanted to make the size comparison. 

"I've got tiny hands" I added.
In that brief moment I wanted to interlace my hands with his and hold tight but I just brushed it away. This journey seemed to be a bit of a blur, maybe I can't remember much else because I was tired and a little tipsy, I don't know, but the journey seemed to have zoomed quickly from Oxford Street. We got off and as we got out into the open air he asked a questioned which got my butterflies a-fluttering. 

"So what are you doing next weekend?" Aww he is asking me out again! Wow, this is really nice I thought. It's always so nice to be asked out again. Always. 

"Yeah, I think I'm free then." I smiled at him. 

"Cool. Well, let's do something next weekend."  

Close by to the entrance of the station was my bus stop. 

"Well, here's my bus stop!" 

"How do you know?" He asked 

"I do come to Brixton now and again, y'know." Was my explanation. 

"I just live off this street. And this is the way to the market." He gestured literally opposite us. 

"Cool. We still have to try out the place you mentioned." 

"Yeah we'll get to do that." He assures me. 

During our Facebook convo we established where we lived and he mentioned about Brixton market and all their amazing restaurants that I must try.
"There's this Japanese restaurant that's absolutely bangin'!" Was his main recommendation. 

So as he waited at the bus stop with me he stood tall right in front of me and asked 

"So can I get a kiss?"
My goodness, how very very sweet. 

I didn't actually say anything back. I just smiled and reached up to make the kiss.

"The-One!" Exclaimed my friend M*** when I retold the story after she asked how my date went.

So we kissed, very lightly and I think he seemed shy. I wanted a full on kiss but from gauging his moves during those first few seconds it was pretty light. By that I mean, it was just our lips caressing but I slipped a cheeky Frenchy in there. We smiled, parted and moments later he lits up a cigarette. We waited there for a bit which was a little awkward because after that kiss we just stood there, well he did whilst smoking and I was sat down. I noticed he smokes his roll ups pretty quickly, like in one go?! Quick and deep. I was also aware of this distance between us and I didn't like it so I grabbed his jacket pocket and pulled him closer to me and kinda cosied close to him. Only a minute or two passed and my bus was approaching. 

"Here's my bus."
As I stood up we leaned again for a kiss. More proper this time, but shorter because we were pushed for time. The bus pulled over and quickly had to draw from each other. I wanted to kiss him longer and more passionately of course. So I went, saying goodbye as I got on the bus, the driver kindly waited a little. I took a seat, I looked backed but he was nowhere to be seen, like a ghost. 

So how did I feel after? I don't know, it was definitely nice I guess, but not heart thumping. Yet.

So that was my first date with C******.

The second date went quite differently!

I'm a Cougar

Rarrrr [in a very sarcastic tone] 

Well, yeah and nay.... well I suppose yeah, but for a very brief moment. 

His name is C******. 8 years my junior and we met online. YES an online dating app!!!

Such a hypocrite right now, If you asked me a couple of years ago I swore I would NEVER go on a dating website or even go for anyone, ANYONE over 5 years younger. Well here I am eating my own words! Yes, fine I deserve this punishment [roll over eyes- blah blah], why punishment? I shall explain..

Okay so here is the story.

I met him on an app called Happn. It's the first online dating site or app I have ever signed up to. The only reason I ended up creating a profile last boxing day was purely because I was so gutted I missed this opportunity with this very cute guy whilst cruising on my bike on Christmas day who I happen to cross paths with. I even search on Instagram and Twitter hashtags of the area we were 'hanging' around just in case he might have randomly mentioned what he was doing on Christmas day but to no avail! During those desperate needs, God seemed to have answered my prayers and popped came up the ad from Happn, with the catchphrase: 

"Ever wondered about that cute person that walked on by but missed your chance. Well we can make it Happn." Something kinda along those lines. 

"Yes." I yelled at it, acting ecstatic as if the world wide web heard my call. But obviously for that particular guy this calling was a bit too late but I thought things are different now. With this new app such disappointments will never happen again! Hahaa.

So I set up my profile looking for guys age between 23-40 years old blah de blah and it's great fun being able to like/heart someone and decline the definitely 'not my kind' types; there are some really scary ones out there! 

When a crush forms it just gives you that buzz of excitement, it's like finding out that someone you like actually likes you back! So when you both happen to like each other this then opens up your chat box and you start getting to know etc. Well there were a couple of guys I chatted there before C****** which fizzled out because they suddenly never got back to me once I gave them my number!! What's all that about? Specially when they were the one who asked me?! Literally as soon as I say "Yeah, here it is…." NOthing.  Can someone please explain this phenomena. My friends call it games but why that tactic and no outcome?! What's the point? It's wasted time and energy. Moving on…

Okay, so then sometime in January me and C****** formed a crush. I didn't initially make any contact because the last two just made me wary of wasting time and plus I've now realised it is all too often nothing is said from both sides. 

A few days later on, I then get a friend request on Facebook and noticed it was young C******!! I was quite stoked at this so I approved and messaged him 

"Hey. I thought your face looked familiar. What's happn'in?? :)" 

That was the start of our conversation and two months later it ended with 

"It's not an STI! I'm really sorry for worrying you unnecessarily.. Sorryyy. Hope you had a good weekend." 

The End. I told you it was a brief cougar moment.  

THE KAPOW!

Hahaa currently watching Bridget Jones Diary. This makes me think of my relationship with men.
Silly, stupid men, and that goes for women too I guess, both for not knowing how to express their undying love. Also for not taking it well. YEP, prime example typing here. But all the awkwardness is what makes the story more charming I guess.

So...       :D

Umm, quickly mention.

Thoughts of him and also the idea of the next...

A*** is so good in bed! Foxy, Sexy X
I miss his touch.
I miss the way he'd carry me across to his bed from the sofa.
The time we found ourselves on the floor as we couldn't quite make it.


BUT the bastard! He's sorting himself out.
"I need to sort my stuff out."
"It's been a really bad time for me." 
"I'm really worried about my mental state right now."

And there is more to the revelation!! I will post another time.

KAPOW!

SO- Once again! Fell in love then - BAM - unrequited. Hark.
"You're a cool girl… but just not in love with" was the- BAM! There goes another knock.
Argh where am I going wrong?!! HAHA I'm laughing inside cos this is becoming a broken record on repeat. Well, only twice.

Actually lets be honest here, I think I know where I'm going wrong.

I sleep with them, do all this elusive, nonchalant act but deep inside I really like them- A LOT, and then it fizzles and then I get caught up in the emotional net we call Romantic Love and they are not, etc etc etc etc
Well there is more into it than that but to me I guess that's what makes Love so addictive!

So the story goes I sleep with them, practically on the second date or meet. BUT I only sleep with guys that I really like and see a potential in. Yes, I make quick decisions like that and yes I can because I'd like to think I know myself!!!
Apart from one guy who I did a one night with - which I kinda feel… not regret, but… bad cos I think he liked me and I just used him :-/ That in itself s another story.
And I'm proud to say that I can still count my lovers with one hand!

So anyway, my third lover. A***! He is pretty cool but a "dickhead" (his words, not mine).
It's been so long since I wrote here that I feel there's been such a big gap in what has been happening in my love life.
I am soo excited to share!

So who is this guy?! I will continue it another day...

To The Man

Dearest lost child. I can no longer pretend and say with honesty that you will ever find your way home anytime soon. It has been my fault to play on the romanticism of what life is about and having given you so much free will and courage to the point that you have ignored the sign posts of the wise ones. For now carry on making your path but remember old ones are always there to guide you. Inquisitive yet a stubborn head, I can see you have a lot of learning to do.  Everything is right in this world so you have nothing to fear and there's nothing left for you to do so until you remember that I know you're not truly lost. I would like us to spend good time together so hasten a little and don't spend time wondering on your own. Let your heart guide you as I am still here where the part you have yet not explored.  

Your Mother, Nature

2nd tea meeting...

He wanted honey. 

Do I deny when things are calling. I have four things that governs my life. 
In no particular order...
Heart - Mind - Spirit - Universe

Mind and Heart are mostly in my control.
Spirit and Universe are almost the little miracles that comes across my way that I have little say on its course it acts as guidance or hints in life. 

Right this moment I am really happy being single, I want to be and I am and I'm enjoying it. Only lately I am getting lots of interests and actually being asked out! Universe is this to test me? 

I love your randomness. 

As I'm just updating this which I rarely do and at this moment JP whats app me "Got more gloves" ...interesting. Right on time to remind me he is there when I start to forget about him.

As this blog is about my heart experience I shall tell whats been happening.

In this particular stage of life I thought I'd only entertain those who I more than just like. So I had a 'date' with a lovely guy called A....... We never mentioned the word date as such but I was asked out for some tea after meeting him randomly a few weeks back at a fashion event, wanting to "make it up" to me for missing each other at this Converse event he invited me to and so not surprisingly we have a few people in common. We spent nearly four hours at this cafe chatting about each other, getting to know, family life and also Love! He is young- 7 years younger!! Haa Didn't think he was that young.

Very mature for his age though and freakishly tall. Another big gap between us. 

In our convo he says he likes older girls and petite girls- hint hint. Had some flirtation comments going etc etc but I think thats it... 

He told me he currently loves this girl in New York that went nowhere. I told him a little bit about my recent endeavour and my recent huge relationship that both ended no where.

One of the last subject we touched on was Signs- "how do you read signs?" he asked. We laughed and looked at each other both owning up that we are unwise when it came to this. I wanted to say "Is this whole situation here a hint we like each other??" but no.

He didn't say this either.

Anyway it was lovely and I don't know what to make of it as I never freaking know what to do when guys show interest because now I'm more guarded than ever!  

He is cute, aesthetically he is someone I'd go for, we shall see how this unfolds. :D

Button & Glove Exchange

Here are a couple of stories on my lost button / glove adventures.
A week or so ago I was on my way to stay over at my friends house, on my way there I found a glove at a station. I picked it up and went about my business and entered through the ticket barriers. The moment I was about to transcend down the escalators I hear a man voice out to one of the train staff "Sorry can you let me out again, I've lost my glove..." I quickly looked back and saw him holding the other pair to the one I just picked up!

My heart raised paced. I pondered what to do. Should I keep quite and keep the glove or give it back to him. Initial thought was to keep it but my morals kicked in and as I looked at the lovely grey argyle designed knitted glove my senses came to me and remembered why I started collecting them in the first place; that was because I lost two of my favourite pairs once and could only wish then that someone would have handed them back to me. 
So I waited down by the escalators for the man and as soon as he reached me I stopped him and asked "Sorry did you loose a glove?" waving the glove in front of him. "Yeah I did! Ah thank you! Where did you find it?" 
"Found it upstairs. I heard you looking for it earlier."
At this point I felt like I should explain myself to how and why I picked it up. I briefly mentioned my story and he just smiled at me perhaps with a little look of puzzlement, well he was just happy to have it back. He boarded his train, we smiled and waved each other goodbye. 
I was a little sad that I was one down but was mostly happy to reunite it with the owner and to make things even better at the bottom of the escalators I found a cute white baby mitten! So happy all around.

With all this excitement the first person I thought of telling the story to was JP. So a moment later as I got onto another station I started writing my text message to him and whilst standing next to an office staff room I quickly looked up through the window I noticed inside that there was a button sitting on top of the desk! OMG I thought I have to get that, this was exciting!!

Well I managed to get it :) when the staff came in I tapped on the window whilst he was on his phone and I signalled for the button. Without hesitation he gave it to me! Moments later he came out so I thanked him and he mentioned "It came off my trousers yesterday actually." 

"Ah cool, I collect lost buttons. Do you want to keep it then?" "Nah you can have it!"

Fantastic. Another one added in my little jar now full of buttons which is now with JP because I gave it to him a few days ago when we met up in Soho where I invited him to a small film screening of Still.

Oh and he gave me some gloves. Oh and on that day we met I found 8 buttons! Personal best record to date. Funnily enough I was hoping to find eight that day, coming across the last one whilst with him.

Change of perspective. Above was my previous heading. Since mentioning this blog to the one who is responsible for its very existence- it is no longer mystical. 
HIYA!
And the fact that I felt comfortable mentioning it meant I no longer felt embarrassed about how I felt as I knew it wasn't going anywhere so it was my way of saying 'this is how I truly felt about you.' and yes welcome to my insanely weird obsessive nature! 
Unfortunately my thoughts on this matter from now on will be hiding in the crevice of my heart. 

SO now I shall see how this heart of mine develops in the coming year. I have a lot of love still to give no matter how often it is drained or toyed with. "You're churning the wrong engine." was an advice from a friend. I think she's right. 
There are just so many beautiful things that are worth appreciating in this world that you can't help falling for- so why dwell and be disheartened with the bad.

Strangers becomes...

My life is defined by the people I meet along the way. I've had many random acquaintances, I have many friends but only a handful whom I consider great friends.
I've never been one who has had a strong bond with family, though I love them dearly I haven't had that connection with any of them and it's been like that since I was a child. I've always been the wanderer, moving from one place to the next. So them being far away I make it up with friends.

I have decided this journal will now be dedicated to those people I admire and all things I oddly love that comes across my way.

Last Thursday whilst waiting for a friend by Shoreditch High Street station I heard a busker playing amazingly well on his guitar so I was drawn towards the bridge where the sound echoed from and so as I peered around the corner I spotted where he was. So I decided to approach him and have a chat. His name was Miguel, from Spain and a philosophy uni dropout he said "I didn't like it, I wasn't feeling the whole thing. So here I am."

My friend was half an hour late so he didn't mind me keeping him company in the cold. I danced and tapped my feet a little and he earns a decent wage from busking saying he makes on average £40-50 a day and on good days £80! "Well you deserve it you are pretty good." I complimented. Anyway we swapped details so who knows where this stranger will take me.

My friend arrived and then this happened! haha

"Beam me up, Scotty." 

We finally headed for a quick meal and went to Hacketts opening event where they were doing hankerchief embroidery and guess what the lady there and then was doing...

Reminded me of a certain someone.
Also the other day I went to visit a friend and a very friendly cat followed me all the way down her road and we spotted a button!



A Heart of Stone

Ahh I've often thought what life really is all about.

These days I seek true hapiness... I think.

I am actually happy in general and for that I am grateful but my problem is wanting more. A wanting more is like a decease, a human condition that we all have, the desire of more. There always seems to be a void that we want to fill or fix. Sometimes I don't want materialistic things, sometimes I don't even want clothes to cover me I would give it all up for true freedom. I often don't want to work as I feel I do it for all the wrong reasons and I do so to fill that void as everything comes at a price, even a smile comes at a price.

Anyway true love is my current void. The need is ever more present these days as things have been reminding me of my past love and the joys one can bring. I have finally sent my letter and poem to show my appreciation to the man I onced loved and for all the things he has given me. I wonder what he'll say!

A HEART OF STONE

I was once soulless

No sign of sorrow, remorse or joy

I prided myself with a mind so stubborn

With my head I concurred all

Then love met me

It rode my ups and downs

The best or the worst

It's the biggest lesson learnt

For my ever patient tutor

To this day I thank thee

I gained romance, passion,

desire and affection

You drummed the sweetest beats of all

And my pulse grew ever louder

In awe of its presence

We learnt, lived and danced its ways

Made me soft, weak, tender

But as with all things it comes to an end

A lesson learnt dear

To have loved and be broken

beats the burden of a heart of stone

But I fear the stone has come back with a vengeance and has grown more stubborn! 

Also I saw this as I contemplated about life further and my head thought about everything it has to offer and the integrity of man in general and I questioned mine.

Fall of Man by Michelangelo

An old lady runs
knees creaking
hurting
breathless
yet she misses her bus
not that the bus driver did not see her
he rather not wait
watch her face fall
disappointed
thump
her heart falls
colliding with her stomach
a couple argue in the bus
playing tug-of-war with their hearts
until hearts tear, ripped out
destroyed, first one and then the other
nobody weeps but the starving children
sitting on the street
and you stand
watching
Caught between the chasm
between pleasure and boundless pain
Restless, dissatisfied
Guiltily pleased
Relentlessly saddened
as life throws one thing after another
you feel like drowning
Sympathy, helplessness
anger, a vapour that seeps through your skin
evaporating
infecting
you absorb
their pain, and emit yours.
You feel it deeply
and then let it roam free
like a lion
it roams around you
Shadows surround you.
Lights off.
You hit the switch.
Click.
Questions burnt
An emptiness rings a loud ring
echoing
in your head.
Is the sun rising or setting? You ask
There, where?
Is that the full moon or the setting sun?
Or an owl
lost.
Coo.
Lost, you are.
In a whirl of messy thoughts.
Poor posture
it all floats
not making sense
the television offers cheap entertainment
and cheap sounding jingles
you buy distraction
Hell.
The self wraps itself around the eyes.
Hugs your body tight.
Tight.
and then you take petty joy in suffering
like only a hurting vengeful soul would
love
adoration
loyalty
justice
all good things
become only words that float around you
What have you lost,
what have you gained?
What values do you hold,
which ones remained?
Look at pain
and smile
nonchalantly
you take joy
in another’s pain.
Living not for God,
unsure.
It ain’t the devil you were worshipping either.
Who knows.
Yourself.
Living for the self.
Self.
You try everything
use everyone
Exhaust all resources and then
you are left with nothing.
Nothing.
You smile your way through the day
by the end your smile stays plastered
yet
all you really did was lie
you joined the crowds
call the wolf bad
then your sheep clothing peels off
and you hide
Deny, deny, deny
denial becomes your expertise
then you lie through your teeth
whistle in the storm
The day ended
and you felt like you ended too.
die with a laugh plastered all over your mouth
perhaps today you reached hell
and realised
hell was not being covered waist high in pig waste
or being deep fried like a human wonton
You call out
and the echo it stabs you in the back
you see only blinding darkness
that is thicker than your winter jacket
you hang, in suspension
being neither at the top
nor touching the bottom
kicking and screaming
tired.
With
no perspective
no aims
no sense
no love
no hope
no dreams
no hate
no sadness
no feelings
no life, no death
no soul
nothing.
That is hell.
You look to your left.
To your right.
And there before you
in the chasm
hangs
one choice
one whisper
one shout
illumination
freedom
living might be what you had wanted all along.
You surrender
one yielding heart.
You start again.
living
Life.

(http://writersclubkl.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/thefallingman/)