Ahh I've often thought what life really is all about.
These days I seek true hapiness... I think.
I am actually happy in general and for that I am grateful but my problem is wanting more. A wanting more is like a decease, a human condition that we all have, the desire of more. There always seems to be a void that we want to fill or fix. Sometimes I don't want materialistic things, sometimes I don't even want clothes to cover me I would give it all up for true freedom. I often don't want to work as I feel I do it for all the wrong reasons and I do so to fill that void as everything comes at a price, even a smile comes at a price.
Anyway true love is my current void. The need is ever more present these days as things have been reminding me of my past love and the joys one can bring. I have finally sent my letter and poem to show my appreciation to the man I onced loved and for all the things he has given me. I wonder what he'll say!
A HEART OF STONE
I was once soulless
No sign of sorrow, remorse or joy
I prided myself with a mind so stubborn
With my head I concurred all
Then love met me
It rode my ups and downs
The best or the worst
It's the biggest lesson learnt
For my ever patient tutor
To this day I thank thee
I gained romance, passion,
desire and affection
You drummed the sweetest beats of all
And my pulse grew ever louder
In awe of its presence
We learnt, lived and danced its ways
Made me soft, weak, tender
But as with all things it comes to an end
A lesson learnt dear
To have loved and be broken
beats the burden of a heart of stone
But I fear the stone has come back with a vengeance and has grown more stubborn!
Also I saw this as I contemplated about life further and my head thought about everything it has to offer and the integrity of man in general and I questioned mine.
Fall of Man by Michelangelo
knees creaking
hurting
breathless
yet she misses her bus
not that the bus driver did not see her
he rather not wait
watch her face fall
disappointed
thump
her heart falls
colliding with her stomach
a couple argue in the bus
playing tug-of-war with their hearts
until hearts tear, ripped out
destroyed, first one and then the other
nobody weeps but the starving children
sitting on the street
and you stand
watching
Caught between the chasm
between pleasure and boundless pain
Restless, dissatisfied
Guiltily pleased
Relentlessly saddened
as life throws one thing after another
you feel like drowning
Sympathy, helplessness
anger, a vapour that seeps through your skin
evaporating
infecting
you absorb
their pain, and emit yours.
You feel it deeply
and then let it roam free
like a lion
it roams around you
Shadows surround you.
Lights off.
You hit the switch.
Click.
Questions burnt
An emptiness rings a loud ring
echoing
in your head.
Is the sun rising or setting? You ask
There, where?
Is that the full moon or the setting sun?
Or an owl
lost.
Coo.
Lost, you are.
In a whirl of messy thoughts.
Poor posture
it all floats
not making sense
the television offers cheap entertainment
and cheap sounding jingles
you buy distraction
Hell.
The self wraps itself around the eyes.
Hugs your body tight.
Tight.
and then you take petty joy in suffering
like only a hurting vengeful soul would
love
adoration
loyalty
justice
all good things
become only words that float around you
What have you lost,
what have you gained?
What values do you hold,
which ones remained?
Look at pain
and smile
nonchalantly
you take joy
in another’s pain.
Living not for God,
unsure.
It ain’t the devil you were worshipping either.
Who knows.
Yourself.
Living for the self.
Self.
You try everything
use everyone
Exhaust all resources and then
you are left with nothing.
Nothing.
You smile your way through the day
by the end your smile stays plastered
yet
all you really did was lie
you joined the crowds
call the wolf bad
then your sheep clothing peels off
and you hide
Deny, deny, deny
denial becomes your expertise
then you lie through your teeth
whistle in the storm
The day ended
and you felt like you ended too.
die with a laugh plastered all over your mouth
perhaps today you reached hell
and realised
hell was not being covered waist high in pig waste
or being deep fried like a human wonton
You call out
and the echo it stabs you in the back
you see only blinding darkness
that is thicker than your winter jacket
you hang, in suspension
being neither at the top
nor touching the bottom
kicking and screaming
tired.
With
no perspective
no aims
no sense
no love
no hope
no dreams
no hate
no sadness
no feelings
no life, no death
no soul
nothing.
That is hell.
You look to your left.
To your right.
And there before you
in the chasm
hangs
one choice
one whisper
one shout
illumination
freedom
living might be what you had wanted all along.
You surrender
one yielding heart.
You start again.
living
Life.
(http://writersclubkl.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/thefallingman/)
